Tombstones For Mothers

I’ve emptied the trash 5 times today. At least that’s what it feels like. There are only four people in my house, but enough trash for a small army.

And the laundry.

Motherhood is like Groundhog Laundry. As soon as I wash something, it’s dirty again. Or, at least it’s in the hamper waiting to be cleaned.

Sometimes I think I might die here in the laundry room because I spend so much time here. And then my tombstone would read, “Here lies Meredith, washing clothing that wasn’t hers.”

When I’m not washing other people’s clothing or trying to locate shoes that aren’t mine, I, like most moms, spend a bulk portion of my time trying to think of what to make for dinner. I also spend a lot of time making beds in which I’ve never slept or listening to stories with no end.

You probably do, too.

So if you’re wondering what your tombstone might read, it will probably go something like this.

“Our beloved mother; who died from exhaustion from carrying her children’s water bottles.”

“Died of old age listening to a story her son began telling 47 years ago.”

“Here lies mother, who died folding clothing that wasn’t hers.”

“A beloved wife and mother who dedicated her time on this earth to thinking of yet another way to cook a chicken.”

“She was loved by all except her children when they said, “You are the worst mom ever!”

“She left this world too early, asphyxiated by the aroma of her children’s bodily fluids.”

“…Passed on happily after realizing the afterlife would be the first time she’d slept since becoming a mom.”

“Loved by all, she was killed instantly after smelling the inside of her children’s shoes.”

“She took her last breath and said, “Well, at least I won’t have to attend another children’s birthday party.”

“…Died happily knowing that even though she would never see her loved ones again, she’d never have to cook them dinner again either.”

“She died happy, doing what she loves to do, cruising Facebook without ever actually pressing “Like.”

“Passed away muttering, “But I just washed these clothes yesterday.”

“…Died happily knowing that she’d never again have to hear the words, “Mommy, this dinner sucks.”

“Known for her ability to get all her children to all their activities at the same time, she died in her minivan because that’s where she actually lived.”

“Died from ingesting rotten food after her children said, “This smells bad, Mommy. Taste it.”

“…was killed by a heart attack after seeing an email from her children’s school which read, “We’re adding two more weeks to summer break.”

“She died from a pierced eardrum caused by her children’s singing.”

“Cause of death: Boredom by Candyland.”

“Diagnosed with having a teenager at home, she declined medical intervention rather than endure the teen years.”

“Died of a crushed soul after her toddler said, “Mommy, why is your tummy so big?”

“She died peacefully in her sleep knowing she’d never actually have to reveal to her children which one was her favorite.”

“…her last words to her husband before she took her last breath, “They’re your problem now.”

“Wife. Mother. Unpaid Uber Driver.”

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