Thanks For The Coupons For All The Shit I Didn’t Buy.

Dear Generous Grocery Store Owner:

After shopping in your store today, I left compelled to write you a note.  I was humbled and awe-inspired by the obvious thought you’ve given to your shoppers. I’m humbled by your generosity. You are the Mother Teresa of fruits and vegetables.

First, I loved how you had all your workers block the aisles to re-stock the shelves at the busiest time of day making it impossible for shoppers like me to navigate the aisles.  It was great how I couldn’t get down three whole aisles (don’t worry, my little girl didn’t really need milk. She can grow bones next year.)  And it was so much fun when I got stuck in the toilet paper/paper towel aisle when both sides were blocked with huge carts and boxes. I liked how the workers seemed to park those carts there, then go take their 15 minute breaks, which lasted 7 hours. I felt so lucky knowing that if I have to get stuck in a grocery store aisle, I got stuck with all the toilet paper.  At least if I wet my pants, I’d have ample supplies to clean it up.

And second, I was so touched by the coupons. How kind of you to give me coupons for the things I didn’t buy.  That’s amazing, and so thoughtful. Any other Grocery Store Owner would think to save me money on things I want, and on things I actually bought. But not you, you marketing maverick.  You don’t care what I want to buy, you’re going to give me coupons for what you want me to buy.  You’re like the controlling husband of produce.

It was so exciting to see which coupons your thoughtful cash register was going to spit out in my direction.  I loved the coupon for yogurt covered pretzels, after my purchase of yogurt.  Your cash register is thinking that since I like one yogurt thing, I like the whole food group, as if I’m on some sort of all-yogurt cleanse.  Amazingly thoughtful , despite me actually only purchasing and wanting one yogurt-related item.

Likewise, I bought organic eggs.  Your coupon was for egg substitute, which I’m totally going to try when, and if, I no longer want my heart to beat with regularity.   And before I forget, thank you for the coupon for “Depends” Adult undergarments.  Undoubtedly, because I bought my 2-year-old diapers, you could telepathically see that the whole family should wear them, too.  You sensed my diaper-envy and you wanted to make it financially feasible for me, too, to spend the day in my own urine.

Shopping at your store is like sitting on Santa’s lap, asking for a new bike, and waking up Christmas morning to a perfectly wrapped chimpanzee.  It may not have been what I asked for, wanted, or liked, but it was you wanted me to want. And that’s what’s important.

I do understand the sales philosophy involved. You’re hoping to inspire me to spend more by trying a new brand of something I already purchased. But wouldn’t it be a little more efficient to help me buy the things I actually like? How do you know which items I like? Easy, those are the ones I already purchased. Because I don’t buy things I don’t like even if I’ve got a coupon, which by the way, I always lose.

So while I appreciate the gesture, it’s not that helpful.  Your coupons for shit I didn’t buy are about as sincere as a girl offering to pay on a first date.  Sure she offered, she just didn’t mean it. The same can be said for your coupons. You offered to save me money, except you didn’t. Or, you would have.

You want to save me money? Take 5% off my tab, before I pay it.  You want to piss me off, give me coupons for adult diapers because I bought my 2-year-old some.  Though those adult diapers would come in handy the next time you get me stuck during inventory hour at the market.  On second thought, I’ll take the coupon. And, the adult diapers.





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26 thoughts on “Thanks For The Coupons For All The Shit I Didn’t Buy.

  1. I laughed out loud several times which is amazing with my humorist heart of coal which may be why I received a coupon for charcoal brickets after I purchased a giant container of gas for my GAS grill. Oh supermarkets, you ol’ so and sos.

    1. Bad Parenting Moments wins “Funniest Comment Ever.” “heart of coal..” why didn’t I think of that myself?

      Thanks for your nice words here and on twitter. I appreciate!

  2. Oh my. That is one funny post.
    I feel the same way at a supermarket but I tend to ignore the coupons so I dont really know if the owner gets my needs or not! 🙂

    1. Alexandra–
      If the owner is man, there’s a good chance he doesn’t get your needs. Or, anyone else’s.

    1. Well Dude,
      I don’t know if you’re real or fake, but anyone who professes their love on the first date is my kind of dude.

  3. HA HA HA!! Saw this post on Twitter and laughed just at the title alone! This is HILARIOUS and so true…the yogurt part almost made me spit out my coffee!! Well done!

    1. Hi Ashley–
      Thanks! A coffee spit take is the best compliment I could hope for.


  4. Hilarious and sadly so so very true. I bought blistex and got a coupon for cold sore cream because of course if have mouth herpes.

    1. Tiffany–
      Well at least now your herpes will never be chapped.

      Thanks for your note.

  5. Hilarious. And you know the WORST thing about those coupons? It’s that I’ve started saying “no thanks” since they are LITERALLY a chore that requires me to recycle them later (after fishing them out of the bottom of my diaper bag). BUT THEN THEY LOOK AT YOU LIKE YOU ARE SUCH A BIG FREAKING SNOB FOR REFUSING COUPONS. One cashier even said, “but your COUPONS! your COUPONS! DOn’t you WANT them?” Oh my god. Punch in face.

  6. I applaud you for thanking this kind Grocery Store Person. It’s evident from your post that they clearly know what you want more than you do. It takes a strong person to admit that.

    P.S. I’ll take all the coupons that you haven’t already lost. Depends will come in handy someday…

    Besos, Sarah
    Blogger at Journeys of The Zoo

  7. AMAZEBALLS!! Can I get a copy for my local grocery? I’m tired of getting coupons for Men’s Rogaine when I buy effing Oreos.

  8. I used a carriage today with an attachment that made it the size of Texas trying to navigate the aisles. And the people stocking the store had things EVERY FREAKIN WHERE so I couldn’t get through. So, we ended up with WAY more shit than I wanted as I waited with my 3yo to get through! Oh, and THANK YOU SO VERRRRRRRRRRRY MUCH for my blog being posted on the side of your blog. It really made my whole weekend!!!

  9. This goes right along with have 8 thousands registers and only 2 are open. Or better yet 50,000 employees but it takes half an hour to get someone to unlock the perfume case!

  10. Just want to throw this out there (as much as I love a good rage post) – It isn’t the grocery store that decides the coupon – it is the CPG company in conjunction with their direct marketing agency – the coupons aren’t really even there to give you a discount, rather they have been historically used to give the company data on what products are selling and where since they sell directly to X grocery chain and not to you (so it completed the purchase cycle for them to better understand the consumer and needs) – there are obviously more reasons now for couponing in digital and our love to just hand over more of our data than we should – but other than the loyalty card that your grocery offers and in store sales, that is pretty much the extent of there relation to discounts offered to you.

    Keep the rage – just point it in the right direction

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