Why So Sullen, Kanye?

Dear Kanye-

Loved seeing your performance at this year’s Grammy Awards, or was that the rehearsal? I saw the one where you were singing over a flashlight wearing a hoodie and sweatpants. I have that outfit too, but I only wear it when I’m sad.

That was super cool how you upstaged Beck and then got all cranky that he won the Album Of The Year award instead of your friend’s wife, Beyoncé. I love that you are Beyonce’s advocate and protector. She needs that. Not winning a Grammy is a tragedy and you showed the world that. So on behalf of all of us who didn’t win the Album Of The Year Grammy Award either, thank you. We need a voice to our tragedy.

What I thought was so touching about the way you stood up for Beyoncé and her tragic loss was that you did it by diminishing and insulting the talent and artistry of the actual winner, Beck. You felt that the Academy, by choosing Beck’s album over Beyonce’s, was diminishing real art. This, coming from a gentleman whose wife has made a career of eating takeout on a reality show which she got after making a sex tape with Moesha’s little brother. That is genuine artistry and it takes a real artist to know that. You, friend, are that artist.

This year’s Beck diss was not the first time you’ve stood up for Beyoncé when she didn’t win the Album Of The Year Grammy. Six years ago, you famously stole the show from teen sensation Taylor Swift when she won the award over Beyoncé. It’s neat to humiliate a teenage girl in front of millions of people. I like that you did that. It makes you a real artist. Not like Beck, who’s totally not as much of a real artist as Beyoncé whose songs all sound the same.

So thank you Kanye for standing up for art. Art needs you and so does Beyoncé.

But the truth of the matter is, I have something else on my mind. In fact, I’m kind of concerned about you. See for all these years you’ve been famous, you’ve been a bit stingy with the smiles. I always assumed you had some sort of mouth issues from your car accident years ago or you had food in your teeth and that’s why you never smiled. But then your friend Chrissy Teigen recently explained why you don’t smile. She said it’s because you want to keep smiles private. Kanye, your wife and her sisters gave one another bikini waxes on national television.  Are smiles really the thing you need to keep hidden? Or is that not art?

I’m not telling you to smile or be happy. We women get told to smile all the time and I’m not a fan of mandatory smiling. I don’t even like mandatory happiness, but it wouldn’t hurt you to smile or be in a good mood on occasion.  You’re kind of starting to seem a little cranky. And for the life of me, I can’t figure out what you’ve got to be so cranky about.

Sure, there’s the tragic loss of Grammy Awards and the times when the private jet hasn’t properly stocked your brand of water. And I understand that sometimes even talented rappers get writers block and you waste a whole day watching reruns of Bind Date on Hulu. I’ve been there friend, it’s a bad mood inducer and a complete justification for telling Beck he’s not a real artist. Truth be told, just the other day I was hormonally cranky and this woman cut me off in traffic.  So I got out of the car and let her know she’s not a real artist. Sometimes speaking our own truth feels good, Kanye. I do understand.

But at the risk of getting myself into trouble again by using a very polarizing word, why are you so sullen Kanye? Seriously. What the fuck is the problem? I’m not saying life is perfect for the rich and famous. And I’m not saying all that success you’ve had and the fact that you’ll never have to work or worry about money again should make you happy…actually, I am.

I am saying that.

What the fuck is up with the constant mood? Do you think it makes you a better real-not-Beck-artist? Because if you do you’re wrong.   The only thing your constant bad mood makes you is a total and complete dick. Not only is Beck an incredibly talented, inventive, writer and performer who has had a long and fruitful career, but he’s also the guy that won.   Get over it. You are not the nation’s tastemaker. You are a very talented, but replaceable in a way that everyone is replaceable, rapper. You’re just a guy. You’re not so special that you get to decide what’s art and what’s Beck.

So Kanye on behalf of all of us who didn’t win the Album Of The Year Grammy Award at the Grammy Awards, sit down. You want to stand up for something, find something legitimate to be cranky about. Be an advocate for someone who needs you, not an incredibly successful singer who’s probably just as humiliated by your behavior as the rest of us.

Remember Kanye; you’re a dad now. Your daughter is going to look to you as a role model for appropriate behavior. You’d hate for her to throw a fit at pre-school when her friend doesn’t get picked as line leader. It’s awful to sit through a parent/teacher conference and listen as the teacher describes your sullen, cranky, moody child and have to say, “I know. It’s all my fault.”

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