Sorry Gwyneth I Didn’t Mean To Fuck With You

Dear Gwyneth-

It didn’t take me reading but a few words of your interview in Glamour Magazine to know you were talking to me. What you said was, “Sometimes I’ll get annoyed if someone’s like, ‘Goop is so expensive.’ I’m like, ‘Have you looked at the website? Have you seen the range of price points? ‘Cause we sell things that are $8.’ I’m like, ‘If you want to f— with me, bring your A-game. At least have all your information.” But what you really meant was, “Meredith, you hurt my feeling.”

See I am among the aforementioned fuckers with Gwyneth. I’m one of those B-game assholes who thinks GOOP is pretentious and ridiculously overpriced. I think it’s a waste that a woman with your remarkable acting talent would use her platform and access as a means to inspire women to cleanse their already clean body parts with voodoo-like remedies such as a vagina steam, or a cleanse consisting entirely of soup.

I think your website is geared toward ladies who lunch. Except they don’t lunch, they starve themselves by living on kale and Body By Tracy Anderson videos. So I guess your website is actually geared toward ladies who don’t lunch. And I don’t know any of those, nor do I want to.

And I don’t just think these thoughts, I write about them all the time. I’ve written about you so much Gwyneth that save for the fact that we’ve never met, I feel like I know you. And if there’s one thing I know is that despite all your A-game bravado, you don’t really get why people fuck with you.

So I figured it would only be fair of me to explain.

1. No, you don’t have $8 items on Goop.

Okay sure you might have had some lower priced items on the site, but the tone of the site is expensive. Your gift guide once had a $12,000 mixer on it for goodness sake. You’re touting a lifestyle that only a certain type of person can afford, which is crystal clear. Because only a really rich unemployed lady has time for labor intensive cleanses and the money to buy designer yoga clothes. So technically you’re right. There are some $8 items on Goop, but you and I both know that’s not what you’re selling.

2. You don’t wear sunscreen.

In the same interview you revealed that you sunbathe without sunscreen despite Goop constantly touting the value of sunscreen. What’s worse is your whole site touts a health obsessed lifestyle. No one died from a French fry, friend. But people die from skin cancer all the time. So if you’re going to talk lifestyle and health, at least practice what you preach. If not, people tend to want to fuck with you.

3. You say things like “conscious uncoupling.”

Why the big words Gwyn? Why not just say what’s true, which is you got a divorce, instead of trying to act like you’re the first person in history to end a marriage. Maybe the lofty terms make you feel better, but they make the rest of us annoyed. Cut it out.

4. You seem like a hypocrite.

Sorry GP, but you asked. Or, you almost asked. But you do, you seem like a total hypocrite. Goop is filled with diets masked as detoxes and tips from experts you say everyone should follow. But, I can’t help but wonder why you need to do cleanses and detoxes so much if you weren’t going to the other extreme every other day.

5. Things have always come easily to you.

It’s not fair, but we B-gamers hate when someone didn’t have to work hard for what they have. That doesn’t mean you didn’t work hard, Gwyneth. Don’t get me wrong. You just didn’t have to. And you don’t seem to get that. So when you say in an interview that you waited tables just to pay for your Starbuck’s back in the day, remember that someday else is waiting tables just to feed his or her family. (Gwyneth this might also be where the “She’s out of touch” comments come in.

6.  When you talk about your best friends, you only mention the famous ones and your daughter.  

You have to have other friends besides Reese, Chelsea and Cameron. And no, your daughter is your daughter. She’s not your friend.

So Gwyneth on behalf of all of us B-gamers whose A-game is terrible, I’m truly sorry for fucking with you. It’s just that it’s really, really fun. And since fun is organic, won’t make you fat, and won’t tarnish your vagina, I knew you’d approve.

Now, let’s talk about how you said your ex-husband is “like your brother.” Ouch, girl.


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