Every few months, I get all Oprah and decide Justin and I should have sex every day. This lasts for about half a day and then I go for more realistic sex goals like, whenever we remember or when I’m feeling thin.
If it were up to Justin we’d stick to the every day rule or even the every half-day rule, which he prefers. But if your house is like mine, you know that sex isn’t up to the man. It’s up the woman who also has a shit ton of laundry to do so can’t this wait until tomorrow?
But it doesn’t mean we married women don’t want to have sex. We do. We just want to do it after everything else is done, after the kids are asleep, and before Real Housewives goes live. And by the way, if someone would help us with everything that needs to get done, we’d probably want to have sex a little more often. But that’s an entirely different conversation.
So recently I started a little experiment. I changed my attitude about having sex. I no longer look at is a chore or distraction from all the other shit that I have to do, but don’t really want to. And I just say yes. Really. I’m saying yes even if I have a shit ton to do because I always have a shit ton to do. And sometimes I make him say yes when he’s busy with a shit ton to do.
After all, how long does it really take to have sex? It’s usually quicker to have sex than explain why you don’t want to. And why is it such a chore anyway? It’s not like someone is asking to torture you or force you to listen to a Miley Cyrus record. Someone wants to have sex with you. Things could be worse.
So if you’re thinking of having married people sex a little more often, here’s what you have to look forward to.
The Quickie: In college you dreaded the quickie, but now you look forward to it. Sure there’s probably not much in it for the female, but he’s happy. She can have a happy ending another night.
Birthday Sex: It doesn’t matter whose birthday it is, you need to have sex. It could be your toddler’s birthday, but plan on it.
Empowered Sex: Hell hath no fury like a woman who has just been to therapy. It’s probably best to stretch before this one.
Nap Time Sex: Kids naps are like clockwork. Every parent can pretty much clock their kids’ naps down to the minute. That means you’ve got ten minutes for nap time sex and 72 minutes left to watch Bridesmaids for the eighth time.
They’re Watching The Ipad Sex: Sure it’s risky for the potential they’re-going-to-walk-in-factor. But let’s face it, when was the last time your kids had any desire to talk to you when there was an ipad in their face? Steve Jobs just may save your marriage.
I Just Lost Ten Pounds Sex: If men would just ask to have sex before dinner, women would always say yes. But after she’s lost a ton of weight? Well, she’ll be willing to all those things she always says no to just like before she met you and had no self esteem.
Drunk Sex: This is also known as terrible sex, but at least you won’t remember it the next day.
I Feel Like I Have To Sex: This is not terribly fulfilling for either party involved and usually comes after a long period of having no sex, but it’s a good ice breaker and an awkward means to an end.
Fuck It Sex: This is the best kind of married people sex because she doesn’t care if her gut hangs out down to her toes and she’s not worried about the to-do list spinning in her head. He doesn’t care if he has a cold or the fact that he’s got to catch a plane in six hours. When everybody’s willing to say “fuck it”, everybody wins.
Which ones did I miss? Share your funny versions of married people sex below.
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