Well, that went well!
Hopefully you were able to take a moment out of your busy schedules not getting where you needed to go on United Airlines, to watch our recently released parenting training video, “When All Else Hasn’t Been Tried, Try Violence: How To Make Humans Compliant.” The response to the video has been epic to say the least, making it United Airlines’ first viral parenting video. Already an international sensation, in 24 hours it has already been covered by CNN, The NY Times, The Washington Post, and Time Magazine.
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Because the video outlines our step-by-step approach to getting non-compliant yet totally innocent people to do anything we want, we have become a sought after parenting resource. Because everyone knows the only people less compliant than paying airline customers who have done nothing wrong, are children. If we can control an outraged group of people who have no rights because they’re stuck in the flying prison they paid for, than we can surely help you control your children.
As airline professionals, we spend a lot of time and resources making sure our customers believe we know everything. In fact, we’ve started believing we do. So since we know everything, we know parenting. Here’s the United Airlines way to raise children.
Don’t Use Reason, Re-Accommodate. In yesterday’s video, you’ll note we didn’t get what we wanted out of the doctor who had paid for his seat that we randomly took back so we picked him up and dragged him off the plane. This is called re-accommodating and you should always do it with your children. Incentives like sticker charts, time-outs, and rewards are for other airlines and other parents. A lack of reason and physical violence is for airlines like us and for parents like you. After all, no plane left on time because a passenger was given a time out. Violence and degradation are where it’s at.
Make Up Fancy Terms For Your Awful Behavior. A true sign of authority is using big words that others don’t understand. It helps others to understand that you know more than they do and that they are more stupid than you are, which means they should listen to you. Because we all know, one should always listen to the smartest person in the room or plane. And that person is the person with the big words. So if you scream at your children, explain you were actually vocally instructioning them. If you criticize your offspring, remind them what you were really doing was re-aligning opinions. And if you make a promise you can’t keep explain to your children you weren’t lying, you were actually other-perspectiving.
Take No Responsibility. Taking a cue from our video, parents should never take responsibility when they screw up. The words “sorry” or “I made a mistake” make others feel anxious and uncomfortable. Those words can even make others, say your children, doubt that you are flawless and without fail. It’s important to appear flawless and without fail when you actually aren’t.
Blame Shift. We here at United Airlines feel it’s important to scapegoat and blame others, especially when they are 100% innocent. For example in yesterday’s video, the gentleman who had paid for his seat on the plane was forcibly removed. Had he never bought a seat on that plane, or God forbid if he had given up the seat he paid for simply because we told him to, he would have never been re-accommodated to the point of needing to go to the hospital. So if you make a choice that isn’t in your children’s best interest, as all parents will unfortunately do, blame your children. They need to learn at an early age that they are always at fault, especially when they’re not.
Promises Are For Others. Generally speaking if one is promised something or even pays for it, it belongs to them. But here at United Airlines, promises and contracts are for other people. This is an important practice for parents to follow as keeping your word can make your children trust you. It can even reduce their anxiety and build their confidence. Don’t do this. Confident children and trusting offspring, like airline travellers, can grow up to be people who think and do things you may not like. They may even question your own behavior.
So parents in the event you make a promise you can’t keep, just re-accommodate your children, blame others, and take no responsibility. I mean what are they doing to do, sue you?
Until next time because we all know there will be one,