Yes, my cherubs have mouthy down to a science. Which is sometimes frustrating. Other times humiliating and often HIGH-LARIOUS. But, I’m glad they can stand up for themselves – unlike HK who can’t say “I hate math” like Barbie. Plus, what language would she talk in? Meow in Japanese?
I’m worried that if Hello Kitty had a mouth, she’d just giggle. Which might be worse than not speaking at all. Thanks for writing and for stopping by. Love your site. Stay in touch.
Crap you’re right. A Barbie with an anatomically impossible figure (that I was SO SO disappointed I never achieved) is still better than a Hello Kitty with a ball gag. Permission to go Barbie crazy?
Amy, Permission granted. Get the remote control car. If your daughter doesn’t like it, at least you and Dave will. BTW; Loved your crack post. Carraige Before Marriage is getting sassy and I like it!
Keep on doing what you’re doing!
Oh, girl! THIS one hit home for so many reasons. I used to have to follow my ex to Burning Man for years and he is a Coachella regular. Because he’s 23. Or at least he was 20 years ago.
I’m relieved I’m too old – and too un-married – to have to go to either EVER AGAIN.
Great post! xo
Thanks for your note and thanks for stopping by. “He’s 23. Or at least he was 20 years ago.”–my favorite quote of the day.
agreed!!! that’s why you GO but ‘dont’ GO…..stay with us next time
Now that’s a Coachella i’d be interested in.
Peeing somewhere other than a toilet.
Christine, I agree. The peeing, not the genius part. Though that’s nice, too.
Btw–sitar band with Chilean tranvestite. Genius
I used to live in SF and there everyone would gear up for Burning Man….which even at age 30 I had no interest in attending. Love this post and most especially the Donner party reference and the all-sitar side project. Still laughing my butt off. (That counts as exercise, right?).
Here in San Fran, it’s all Burning Man, all the time. I have NO desire to ever go… but unfortunately, people seem to get even MORE into it the older they get (NOTE: some of these people wait till they’re rich and rent tricked-out RV’s with showers. Maybe going that way wouldn’t be so bad…?) What am I saying? I really hate being uncomfortable. I don’t even like long car rides. boo!
You and Hol are simpatico on this topic. Me, not quite so much. Give me wandering aimlessly among tents of loud music with my mandals and one of those a two-cans-of-beer-from-straws hats atop my head.
I’d consider going just to see the mandals and the beer-hat. But if you rock a mankini, I’m out.
Thanks for writing and for stopping by.
Fully agree with you. I start off disliking live music — intimate clubs, jazz bands, piano player in the corner of the room. . .
I never know if I should make eye contact. Never know if it is okay to ask them to perform quieter because it is disturbing my cocktail. And I hate that embarrassing moment when after the band has taken a break and returns to the stage, somehow I say, “oh damn, they’re back” within ear shot of the performer’s girlfriend/mom/agent.
Coachella makes it bigger, louder, and it lasts for days and days. Torture.
Oh, did I mention I make my living from live music?
I hope the next time you tell the drummer’s mother, “Oh damn, they’re back,” that I am there to witness it. Thanks for reading and for writing.
I laughed out loud several times which is amazing with my humorist heart of coal which may be why I received a coupon for charcoal brickets after I purchased a giant container of gas for my GAS grill. Oh supermarkets, you ol’ so and sos.
Bad Parenting Moments wins “Funniest Comment Ever.” “heart of coal..” why didn’t I think of that myself?
Thanks for your nice words here and on twitter. I appreciate!
Best. Letter. EVER.
I hate those stupid coupons. And pissing myself in between stock carts.
I bow down to you, you kind hearted blogger.
Oh my. That is one funny post.
I feel the same way at a supermarket but I tend to ignore the coupons so I dont really know if the owner gets my needs or not! 🙂
If the owner is man, there’s a good chance he doesn’t get your needs. Or, anyone else’s.
This is the first post I’ve read by you. I may be in love now.
I don’t know if you’re real or fake, but anyone who professes their love on the first date is my kind of dude.
Yes! OMG – I need one of those adult diapers right about now… this should be sent to all “Superstore” retailers!!!
Great idea. Or you can just borrow mine, I’ve got coupons for days.
HA HA HA!! Saw this post on Twitter and laughed just at the title alone! This is HILARIOUS and so true…the yogurt part almost made me spit out my coffee!! Well done!
Thanks! A coffee spit take is the best compliment I could hope for.
Hilarious and sadly so so very true. I bought blistex and got a coupon for cold sore cream because of course if have mouth herpes.
Well at least now your herpes will never be chapped.
Thanks for your note.
Hilarious. And you know the WORST thing about those coupons? It’s that I’ve started saying “no thanks” since they are LITERALLY a chore that requires me to recycle them later (after fishing them out of the bottom of my diaper bag). BUT THEN THEY LOOK AT YOU LIKE YOU ARE SUCH A BIG FREAKING SNOB FOR REFUSING COUPONS. One cashier even said, “but your COUPONS! your COUPONS! DOn’t you WANT them?” Oh my god. Punch in face.
I applaud you for thanking this kind Grocery Store Person. It’s evident from your post that they clearly know what you want more than you do. It takes a strong person to admit that.
P.S. I’ll take all the coupons that you haven’t already lost. Depends will come in handy someday…
Blogger at Journeys of The Zoo
AMAZEBALLS!! Can I get a copy for my local grocery? I’m tired of getting coupons for Men’s Rogaine when I buy effing Oreos.
Thank you Kim. You still rule.
I used a carriage today with an attachment that made it the size of Texas trying to navigate the aisles. And the people stocking the store had things EVERY FREAKIN WHERE so I couldn’t get through. So, we ended up with WAY more shit than I wanted as I waited with my 3yo to get through! Oh, and THANK YOU SO VERRRRRRRRRRRY MUCH for my blog being posted on the side of your blog. It really made my whole weekend!!!
I just hate it when my husband comes home and ruins the perfectly lovely time I was having in our home.
#25 is my favorite.
This cracked me up… especially #25 since my 7-year-old had two teeth pulled last week and actually didn’t stop talking. They had to up the anesthesia dose to adult levels to knock her out. And the talking began the second she woke up. Good times!
Thank you. I thought it was just me… Oh, and for me, I’d add #34b) I wonder if she can tell by my random “uh huh”s that I haven’t heard a word she’s been saying for the past hour…
I’m actually psyched to get to this stage though I’m sure it’s one of those “be careful what you wish for” situations. Right now my 20 mo mostly repeats “uppie!” about forty seven times until I pick him up. I have the same thoughts as you though 😉
Of course, I howled the entire time I was reading this. But, you killed me at Day 4! LMAO. Damn, I love you girl.
love you back, kyla.
#6 is my hands-down favourite. Showing my kids my video today!
Like I live near Kalabasas and it really should be the name of that little kucker, I mean, sweet kutie.
If anyone takes advice from any of the Kardashians then they are getting exactly what they deserve. Every last one of them is a friggin moron. How do you spell “Golddigger”? K-A-R-D-A-S-H-I-A-N.
can’t stand the whole K franchise!! I am sure she hasn’t paid for a thing
4 year olds shouldn’t direct
I don’t feel alone anymore.
Amazing satire. Even if its painful that the Kardashians exist, at least we get to make fun of them. They make me feel grateful to have brains.
Satire? Nailed it! Like, totally.
Brilliant – as usual! Thanks for keeping me entertained while I wait for the big K Name reveal
BPM sent me and promised I wouldn’t be disappointed. She was right! This is hysterical. I wrote about them a few months ago when the blessed event was announced and I am hoping they chose the name I suggested then: Kash Kow.
Like OMG, this was like the most amazing post on baby advice ever.
Is it okay if my baby daddy bought diamond studs for the baby and I pierce her ears at 5 days old? It’s like the same as getting shots, like right?
“That means my Mom and Ryan Seacrest get to decide.” Hilarious because, deep down, we all know it’s true.
This was awesome! First time here, but I think I’ll be following you around for a while …in the most non-stalker-Kardashian-paprazzi kind of way.
I have it on good authority that the baby will be named Krazy.
In the meantime, enjoyed this far more than any other Kardashian-related entertainment I’ve ever seen.
This is like so funny. I like like it. Your blog comes off really goodly and I can’t wait to read more!
I am a Bad Mother.
I need to up the ante as I’ve only been known to do a few of those things.
Kim is my new Momspiration!
You have channeled her perfectly! Love this!
#31 did it for me….since our move to the UK last month, everytime my kids open their mouths I’m on the lookout for more british-isms. And let me tell you, when you, as a red-blooded American, tell your 1/2 American, non-British kids that you have some chips for her in the car and she says “I love french fries”, you do have to struggle not to throw yourself into oncoming traffic. So be careful about 10 and 32….
I want to comment here, but I totally pissed myself laughing and now have to go and change underwear. You rock sister!
The sad thing is, this probably isn’t that far off! At all. xox
This is the funniest thing I have ever read. The fact that it is about the most plastic human being who ever existed, makes it priceless. You rock!
I think that this is my favorite post of yours ever, and that is saying a lot as I really love them all (you knew this already, but thought I’d reiterate it here). I love seeing you mix things up with a more serious message, but still with your loveable humour and crazy view on life. I am bookmarking this post for the day that my two notice that boys exist, here’s to hoping that it will be 20 years from now.
Wise witty words of wisdom. Just what I’ve come to love & expect from Bad Sandy. As the mom of two boys, I’ll be sure to teach them about the importance of being honest, real & emotionally available. And to play more than “Chopsticks” on the piano. xo
Hmmm… I don’t know… Just how much life experience does she have? Or is she just running on hormones? Too bad the boys will consider her yucky until they are about sixty or so… 😉
You will care passionately about breastfeeding and count up the bottles of liquid gold stored in your freezer and feel bad that Mom A has twenty bottles and you have only 2 UNTIL YOU STOP BREASTFEEDING AND NEVER THINK ABOUT IT AGAIN AND CAN’T EVEN REMEMBER CARING BECAUSE YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE BECAUSE WHO CARES.
Every other mother is perfect and you aren’t.
Have fun! Xox
You only feel different because you ARE different!
Don’t worry about it, everybody reacts differently to every situation… Don’t try to be somebody else, be who and what you are…
And, if your child turns out wonderfully, feel good about it… If he/she/it turns out to be the brat that you were… blame God…
Oh, and by the way… I just ripped off your background wallpaper…
Suck it up…
Halloween is coming up and can’t wait to see everybody’s costumes! So excited…
I think I love you.
I think I love you back. Subscribe, I’ve got a doozy worse than this coming. You won’t want to miss it.
You effing rock. Seriously. You are my hero (which I recognise means very little since you were already my hero, but go with me here). Eff that lady and the hair she rode in on. Did you get a round of applause when you left? Because you should have.
I would not describe what I got as a round of applause. Not one person in the joint asked if they could help. Must have been a room filled with barren coffee drinkers. Aholes.
37 minutes? I think you are batshit crazy. And I like it.
Short of telling me I look thin there is no great compliment than “bat shit crazy.”
Oh Bad Sandy…you take the cake! That is absolutely fantastic! I wish I could have been there to see that! I have a huge issue with people who camp out at coffee.joints, complete with their laptops, papers, computer, phones, extension cords, headphones, etc. and an EMPTY coffee cup just to prove they actually bought something, usually hours before! Why must they use this public place as their own personal office??? And is their own home lacking a table and electrical outlet???
Thank you Sara. I live in LA, a city filled with people who think “everywhere” is there office. I too wonder if they have plugs in their own homes.
Do you know that I lived in L.A. until 2008? Do you also know that I worked at UCLA for 10 years? AND, did you know, that pretentious Ph.D. students have basically cornered the market on acting like incredibly verbal toddlers while drinking incredibly overpriced coffee? It’s their thing.
OH YES! You win at life today. That is fantastic. Keep fighting the good fight sister.
Thank you Tiffany! I haven’t won at life in a while so I’m pleased today was my day.
I love this so much it physically hurts.
I am sometimes bothered by screaming kids, but I don’t complain… after all they’re kids and are trying to deal with growing up… But… not in the theater or library, please!
Sometimes bitchy grown-ups can be worse…
By the way, I don’t like coffee or cigs, either…
Tea or Chai is my fave…
I like the long hair…
I’m no fan of screaming kids myself. But screaming grown ups are worse.
Love. I don’t think I would have had the balls to do the same thing… but that’s just ’cause you’re cooler than me. Honestly, I can’t STAND people in Starbucks who stare at me and my TWO-YEAR-OLD like we’re lepers. The actual baristas don’t give a shit WHAT we do ’cause we’re in there like, daily, and we buy all kinds of shit (as opposed to 70’s hair lady who is probably recycling yesterday’s cup). I mean toddlers are super spendy b/c of the height of all the treats, as you noted 🙂
I literally just laughed out loud for a solid 29 seconds. Solid gold, my friend. Solid gold.
Thanks you Christella. 29 seconds, wow. That’s like having sex twice!
Best ending EVAH!
You’re the best.
Quit bitchin’… your kid is just trying to tell you that you’re getting a little chubby and could use the exercise…
As for your neighbor, HE should get pregnant, then he’ll really have something to bitch about!
Instead of protecting his grass, he should be smoking some of it…
In any case, if you think the terrible threes is bad, wait until the terrible sixes… or the teens… Nuff said…
So love it! What a rude SOB?! Too bad he’s a jackass with a 2yo son that you happen to see around town frequently… But now you’ve clarified things. Personally I think you might need to do a midnight planting run of some very lovely dandelion seeds for his beautiful lawn. Just to be neighborly and spread some cheery yellow flowers.
Ooh Peggy, Dandelions. Great idea.
nice work getting the diamond hoops in. did you read that Justin? diamond. hoops.
they’re actually pink diamond hoops daniela. i could solve world peace and still not get those beauties. but at least i have the love of my children.
I love this! These are all so true. Thanks and I am so glad to have found your blog.
i’m glad you did too!
Goddammit, I fucking LOVE THIS. All the yeses.
I never thought about it, but women are apologizers and you’re absolutely raising a “future apologizer.” (Brilliant, BTW).
I also didn’t know you were a celebrity personal assistant. That’s kick ass.
Personally, I think this whole story could have been avoided if you hadn’t gone to yoga class…..it’s why I don’t go…..:-)
Lisa, clever on the not going to yoga bit. I should have thought of that.
Love this post — could have written it myself (in fact I HAVE written a couple of blog posts about this very topic — it was a New Year’s resolution for me at some point!) because I am the WORST apologizer, meaning I do it all the freaking time.
So I went cold turkey. I tried to not say sorry at ALL for like, a year. It actually wasn’t nearly as hard as I thought it would be… but now I’ve totally forgotten all about my resolution, and I’m sure I still do it far too much, though I think I may do it less than in the past. (I’ve actually found that motherhood has made me less apologetic (and believe me when I say that in the past, I’ve been a really bad, repeat offender!) because I simply don’t have the time to overthink my interactions with people anymore. Just can’t. Too much. Brain overload.)
I’m glad I”m not alone, though! And I completely, 100 percent agree. Men don’t apologize like that — why should we??
Rebecca, as always you’re right!
Right ON! I’ve heard that the process of change is Awareness, Acceptance, Action… and that the Acceptance part is the hardest and takes the longest. Thanks for baring your soul about your own ‘child is father to the man’ moment. I see I’m not the only one feeling pulled up by your honesty.
If everyone was free with apologies would you still be against habitual apologizing? I like being free with the “I’m sorry” and kids that freely apologize even for small stuff. It’s jarring to meet up with someone (like your texter) who doesn’t see their faults or worse flaunts it. Maybe it’s also a cultural issue for me.
i’m a big fan of apologizing when i’m actually at fault. i just don’t want to be the only one doing it. it gets lonely.
*runs off to look into Amazon Fresh*
Check out their Subscribe and Save and Prime Pantry as well. Two more options that save time, energy and money. As a mom, they are my lifesaver.
We need this in Canada. I would be such a better human being because of it.
Oxford, England is not on their delivery route yet, but I have used subscribe and save to make sure that I never ever again discovered at 9:05pm that we were out of diapers. Two thumbs up for Amazon…
Although I live in a metropolitan area to which they deliver, they don’t deliver to my house. Still, I can get Amazon Prime, and that’s pretty sweet. “Hey mom, we’re having a Nuclear Safety Awareness Week next week, and I said I’d bring in the uranium.” Well, isn’t it so handy that Amazon carries uranium? Allow me to order some and receive it in two days.
seriously, don’t you feel like your kids have to bring the most random things for school with no advance notice?
thanks for your note. it made me laugh out loud!
I bet Jeff Bezos appreciated that letter! Maybe he circulated it to his whole Amazon Fresh staff. Good work BS – everyone loves a compliment.
I am totally and completely obsessed (ie addicted) to Instacart.
I seriously want to french kiss the person when he/she arrives with my groceries.
These are absolutely lovely, Meredith. Thank you for putting this out there.
This is exactly right!
We live in a very small community, and a number of parents have made a pact (this relates more to kids, but still has to do with friends)–if my kid comes and tells me your kid is doing something that may be dangerous or harmful to himself or others, I will tell you. Without judgment, without accusation. Just facts. And if you come to me and do the same, I will take the information as it’s presented–without judgment, without accusation–say thank you for letting me know, and take the matter up with my child. We have an agreement amongst ourselves to watch out for each other’s kids, and therefore indirectly for each other.
You’ve got some very lucky friends! 🙂
I don’t ask my friends with more kids than I do “how do you do it?” I just say: “I don’t know how you do it.” Which is true as all hell. I don’t have that kind of power, mama. I just don’t.
This list. The entire thing. My life. Yours. Moms are exhausted.
“We get sick, we just don’t act sick.” <<< THAT kind of kills me. And makes me super jealous of the people who get to BE sick and ACT sick at the same time. NOT FAIR.
Word. You nailed it sister. Thank you.
Just – YES. I’ve only been doing this parenting thing for 3 years and we still don’t have number 2 yet, so I can only imagine. But I’ve become so efficient, even with my thoughts, that I don’t leave space in my head for things I don’t need to know about. It’s amazing how quickly we all adapt to being these “supermoms” (whatever that means) simply because we have to!
Made me laugh, however many months after the fact! Karma lives! Here in NYC I deal with a neighbor who feels entitled to tell me in the name of a “heads up” (in writing, of course, since he won’t deign to speak to me and turns his back on me in the street) what he is going to do on my property. The only thing that keeps me on the high road that you have apparently taken is that I refuse to let anyone drag me down to his level. And doesn’t he look silly crawling down the street? Me, I would give your son an unequivocal lesson in how to deal with Bad People and then a great big bear hug!
HK has a cartoon, although it is horribly cheesy, she does talk. With the number of times my daughter watched them, I would prefer she didn’t have a mouth. Just FYI
Hate to mess your world up even more but… hello kitty isn’t even a kitty… she’s a girl dressed as a kitty.. work that out!!! Seriously look it up the guy who created her is angry that ppl think she’s a cat???? Like it’s really obvious that she’s a girl????? Xxxxxx
Ha! It gets even better. Hello Kitty is not even a cat, per the creator!
Actually – prepare to have your mind blown – it has been revealed by the creators that Hello Kitty is NOT actually a cat, but a perpetual 3rd grader from Britain.
It’s worse than that. The company that produces Hello Kitty states emphatically that she isn’t a cat at all. Identity crisis, anyone?
Hello Kitty CAN speak! Just go to YouTube and search for “hello kitty cartoons” – there’s a whole series and movies.
Hello Kitty does have a mouth. She actually speaks in her cartoons. To be honest she is actually a little girl playing dress up. Go check out more about Kitty. She is by far my least favorite of the Sanrio characters and there are a ton, but kitty is still ok by me.
I say re-invent Hello Kitty by sewing, drawing, bedazzling (or whatever you can immagine) to create a “voice” on everything she is on. Have at it!
And for the record my sisters and I were the toughest girls on the block and played with Barbie dolls, We even made a Annie Lennox version. Amazing what you can do with scissors and food coloring.
Power on, momma!
I wouldn’t worry. My daughter loves Hello Kitty until last year. Your daughter will outgrow that interest. And even if she doesn’t, she’ll be fine! Screw what society says, let your daughter be who she is! That will help her self esteem!
It scared the crap outta me when I read an article not to long ago that states hello kitty is not actually a kitty, but a little girl. This makes her even more terrifying
If you look up some recent news, the maker of Hello Kitty threw a fit because hello kitty isNOT a kitty but actually a little girl who OWNS a kitty. *mind blown* I do believe that the maker is a bit off her rocker
I just learned this, but. HK is not a cat. She is a girl in a costume. So I’m assuming she has a mouth inside the costume.
hello kitty is not actually a cat. Seriously look it up. Hello kitty is supposed to be a girl as redonkulous as it sounds.
I realise this is an old post, but my dd got a DVD of HK out of the library, and she DID talk. It was in an irritating american accent (sorry, English only here!) with a hint of Japanese and was mainly about her and her equally annoying sister eating their vegetables. If that’s her voice, she can shut the hell up!
Dude, Hello Kitty TOTALLY talks! She has numerous movies and an old animated series. In a lot of japanese art they remove the mouth, even on boy characters. So no worries!
According to what I recently read, Hello Kitty isn’t even a cat. According to her creator, she’s a little girl (?!). She apparently has a pet cat herself. Ah, the weirdness of all anime-related things is incredible.
This is one thing I will flat out say you’re wrong about. Kitty doesn’t have a mouth so that a child has the ability to give her a voice and give her emotions and play with her and through her and give her the full spectrum of ideas, hopes, dreams, disappointments and just getting thrown across a room without looking HAPPY about being thrown across a room.
The issue with nearly all girl’s toys is that perfect little smile, covered in thick lipstick, saying that if she’s not smiling, she’s not cute, and if she’s not cute she’s not desirable.
Kitty moves beyond the need for a mouth – she has a voice: Your daughter’s.
Actually she does talk, there are cartoons and she talks and likes gardening and friends and all that.
as for raising girls, I have 3 (hence knowing too much about hello kitty) my philosophy is to let them what they like, they love princesses and pink, but also dinosaurs and fly guy and science. I teach them that the most useless compliment anyone can give them. I think telling girls they can’t play with dolls or wear pink is just as oppressive as saying that they have to.
In videos and video games kitty does speak. A very high pitched squeal. It’s almost best she has no mouth.
If it makes you feel any better I never even SIGNED UP to bring snacks. I suck 🙂
I bought a pregnancy test and some morning sickness candy. …. received a coupon for tampons
see what i’m saying!
hilarious. thanks for stopping by.
This goes right along with have 8 thousands registers and only 2 are open. Or better yet 50,000 employees but it takes half an hour to get someone to unlock the perfume case!
and they never seem to have the right key!
Just want to throw this out there (as much as I love a good rage post) – It isn’t the grocery store that decides the coupon – it is the CPG company in conjunction with their direct marketing agency – the coupons aren’t really even there to give you a discount, rather they have been historically used to give the company data on what products are selling and where since they sell directly to X grocery chain and not to you (so it completed the purchase cycle for them to better understand the consumer and needs) – there are obviously more reasons now for couponing in digital and our love to just hand over more of our data than we should – but other than the loyalty card that your grocery offers and in store sales, that is pretty much the extent of there relation to discounts offered to you.
Keep the rage – just point it in the right direction
Very good points! Thanks for sharing.
A wine and shrimp emoji replacing a dinner invite is not cool but thinking your friend got a short person drunk is pure comedy. Since text shorthand is just as bad as speaking emoji, I’ll tell you that line made me laugh out loud! Brilliant Bad Sandy!
I dropped her at
i know. wtf?
I applaud your handling of this. Can I say I would do the same thing I would hope so. People can just be so mean. I understand a dislike for an adult but why when an innocent child just wants to be nice the adult can’t just give a smile or a simple hello.
Love this letter. She has had everything her entire life and doesn’t have a clue about what it’s like for “normal ” people! Lol I just wish she could live like a real person one month to experience what it’s like to struggle through life!
Ah yes, the true spirit of the season.
Anyone who actually buys off her list has more money than sense. However, I’m betting anyone who can afford this stuff, isn’t following Goop.
Know your audience GP!
So, she actually has an earthquake kit as a gift idea?
I must admit I’m not a Gwyneth fan either but I feel an element of social responsibility to be the voice on the other shoulder….. while I agree a $4000 juicer is not on my Christmas list, her list was comprehensive and offered a range of gifts with a range of prices let’s not misrepresent her intentions that is paramount to internet trolling!!!
Those gold glittery sequin shorts (barely even hotpants) for aged 12-14? Hell no!
1.4k for a juicer? These people are on another planet.
I’m thinkin’ about taking a bunch of her goop and using it to stick her boney ass to a seat on a bus in Los Angeles..I’d be more than happy to dump all my change in the fare box and let her have an all-day adventure.. Bet that’s not on her gift guide.
LOVE this list! Spot-on!
I absolutely love this. So, SO very much! xoxo
Thank you. Thank you!
I absolutely love everything you said here. This is exactly how I feel about my friends. You captured my thoughts perfectly! I remember an old poem:
If you have a friend,
Keep him so,
And let him not
Your secrets know
For if your friend
Becomes your foe
All the world
Your secrets will know
I always thought that poem got it wrong. If it’s true, it makes me sad. … because I have never betrayed a confidence, even when that person is no longer a part of my life, because I let them go. I take secrets to the grave, even out of respect for what we once had, if we don’t have it anymore.
This is wonderful, and it’s something every woman should read!
I agree. Marriage has rules, why not friendship?
Ah yes. This is the list. Having just lost my best friend a little over 6 months ago, I have a deeper appreciation for what I valued in that friendship and what I won’t stand for with fair weather friends going forward. Your list nails it.
Middle School girls should have to take a class on friendship and you should teach it.
Middle school girls are scary!
Well, while not a fan and I can see some of this stuff is just ridiculous (a backgammon set for $550?!) I will say one thing in her favour. The children’s toys are not divided into “boys” and “girls” – all of the toys could be for either and no distinction is made. For this alone, I salute her (or rather her company because I assume she didn’t actually hand-pick all these items herself).
Now they have “Mensch on a Bench”!!!
Freakin hilarious….except for the part where the resentful Jewish author can’t spell Hanukkah. 🙂
lots of ways to spell hanukkah, channukah, hanukah.
“the haul they took in the name of Jesus’ birth” – LOL!!
Now there’s a Jewish version! http://www.myfoxny.com/story/27651166/the-elf-on-the-shelf-and-the-mensch-on-a-bench
And here’s my personal favorite: a FAKE Jewish version called Rabbi Rat on a Shelf. http://offonatangent.blogspot.com/2012/12/rabbi-rat-on-shelf-hanukkah-tradition.html
Just to let you know, since Mormons are Christians, we do celebrate Christmas. And that Elf on the Shelf thing is the creepiest thing ever!
“The Khloe Kardshian of Christmas” and “the only guy on your cheerleading squad”!!?? Ahahahahahahaha! That was hilarious and SO true!! I can’t stand that little elf and I give myself a big pat on my back for having resisted my kids’ pleadings for years. They may think I’m a jerk (who am I kidding, my kids totally think I’m a jerk), but I will never get my kids one of these dang elves. 🙂 And, by the way, yes, we Mormons celebrate Christmas. (That part made me laugh, too!!l) 🙂
AMEN mama! Love this post!
Love your posts on your blog. Some were laugh out loud for me. You are my kind of lady.
Right back at ya! Thank you.
You know what, I don’t care that he didn’t follow me … because I know you do–and you’re a way bigger deal to me than Taye is. You’re certainly funnier and I like your cheeky style.
So, no worries, Taye. I’m good, I’ve got Bad Sandy!
You’re too kind! Honestly, what a kind thing to say.
I love this. I gave him the benefit of the doubt at first thinking this was a strategic move to follow mom bloggers for his new book. But apparently he was just following a ‘more is better’ strategy, although I still like to think that we’re the ‘chosen ones’ for a reason. 😉
Susanne- I think we are chosen! All 45K of us 🙂 btw: It worked. Everyone’s talking about him.
Taye tweeted me to say he is sorry he can’t comment because he is too busy following people on Pinterest now.
Oh my god I SO get this!! My husband wakes up every morning horking up all sorts crap from his throat. I tell him it’s not normal and he says “It’s MY normal”, which infuriates me because he really needs to see an ENT but he won’t!! Recently, after rubbing his eye raw and insisting it was allergies/dry air (see the similarities?), he finally went to the eye doctor and lo and behold he had an infection!! One round of antibiotics later he still has the infection and now they don’t know what to do but would he have ever thought it was infected? Nope. ARGH!!!
Soni, I’m so pleased to know I’m not alone. Thanks for the note.
My husband is the same way. He pretty much refuses to be sick but when he is oh my gosh, he’s dying and he must have a sinus infection. I don’t know why he always goes to that thought, but he does. Our whole family just got over the flu and he was really achy and felt like it was the worst pain ever! I asked what he was taking and he was like the acetaminophen with cold medicine. I was like sweety take some Ibuprofen and you’ll feel better. Two hours later, I feel so much better! Men are such wussy’s when it comes to sickness. 🙂
Men love cold medicine, but they seem to hate doctors! Hilarious. Thanks for writing.
A pillow held in just the right angle over his head cures the snoring…I’m kidding! I’m kidding! 🙂
Great writing, excellent!
My husband could holding his spleen in his hand and he’d tell me there was nothing wrong with him, but he’d be walking hunched over like a little old man so everyone in a twelve mile radius could ask him, “What’s wrong?”…see why the pillow is an easy thought?
Sandra–Don’t think I haven’t thought of that myself!
Does anyone else want to hunt down the creators of the “Dad’s don’t get sick days” commercial??? I snort out loud and occasionally make awful comments when that one comes on. My DH doesn’t often get sick, but when he does the world comes to a screeching HALT. Dad doesn’t just take a sick day…he checks out completely… meanwhile MOM who has the exact same thing (thanks for that) is chugging airborne, and cleaning until her hands are raw so the rest of the family doesn’t get sick… all while getting lunches made, getting everyone to school and practices on time and insuring that their homework done. OH and still feeding everyone 3 x a day.
My husband has a black belt in hypochondria. Seriously, every sniffle, ache or pain…he must go to the doctor or sleep 15 hours straight. I, however, have to continue to get up and go into work even though I feel like death on a cracker because we are a one income household. I will admit it makes me furious and I kinda want to throat punch him when he starts whining.
“My husband has a black belt in hypochondria”–a little jealous i did not write that myself.
In one of those odd small world occurrences, he just followed me 10 minutes before I stumbled across this post. Very Twilight Zone of him.
Calling men babies when they are sick is GROSSLY unfair….to babies. Babies are much easier to deal with. My husband could be carrying his pancreas around in a basket and still wouldn’t see the doctor. Sounds like a lonely moose when he clears his sinuses. Stomach sounds like an erupting volcano…but no doctors, thank you very much. I have just learned to call it a “guy thing” and ignore it. (Either that or that pillow thing that Sandra suggested…..)
“Calling men babies when they are sick is GROSSLY unfair….to babies”–almost made me spit out my cocktail. Now that is funny!
Thanks for the note.
Ah, the toddler years. So glad to have those behind me. At least now when my son refuses to wear a coat in January (in Massachusetts!), he’s old enough that people generally think he’s an idiot rather than I’m a bad parent.
Yep. This. Nodding my head profusely. What is it with kids and wearing coats, anyway? Rosie O’Donnell was talking about this on The View yesterday. Must be an anti-coat epidemic. Obstinate toddlers? That is an epidemic of epic proportions.
This is one of the many benefits that my guy and I reap from working together at home. Plenty of good opportunities for sex. And when the choice is sex or working on a boring spreadsheet, sex always seems like a good idea.
Wowser! I’ve heard everything now. LOL! Love your perspective as always, BadSandy.
Thank you Steve Jobs!
Only in Hollywood can you find folks who brag about paying people to blow smoke up their a$$. And these are the creators of our shared reality? Sheesh.
The “We haven’t had sex in so long I am nervous about our relationship so ‘do me’ now sex is always entertaining.
I want to thank Gwyneth for giving me the opportunity to tell my woman tonight I am going to get you all hot and bothered before I get you all hot and bothered.
Really, men love having the opportunity to steam clean anything and everything. It is the perfect excuse to get a new toy to clean the engine on the car and yours.
Ha, love this! So, I have to admit that my husband and I LIVE by Soap.com. And if you order $50 of stuff, there’s free shipping. Even if I really just need one thing, I can ALWAYS think of more stuff to add to the order to get the free shipping… and husband even likes going on there to do the ordering himself. (However, I’ve also come up with a new way to show him what I need from the grocery store — the little pictures of the food on Instacart. Even if you’re not using the service, you can go on there and pull up the items and say, “see this? This is the seaweed in the ORANGE PACKET.” The visual really helps.
It’s got to be biological. Not only is it several degrees wrong, it’s always the economy size so you’ll have wrong on your hands forever.
My ex could manage 3 items. He even told me “if you keep it to three items, I can remember”. So he’d get the three items, but they would be the wrong brand, size or flavor. *sigh*
Fortunately, my new man is amazing with this. He gets it right every time. Even remembers things I have forgotten to put on the list. I may have to marry him for that reason alone.
You had me on your side at the mention of “Soup Poop”. I agree, she needs a cleanse from cleansing and perhaps she can concentrate on NOT coming off like an enabled spoiled celebrity brat.
A cleanse from the cleanses…I totally agree. This time of year it seems like every other person is on a cleanse of some sort. I don’t get it at all.
This is such a refreshing point of view. I feel cleansed just reading it. Eat healthy? What a concept. I bet we could develop a diet where we eat less (and right) and exercise more and lose weight. I know crazy. Please keep writing.
Hahahaha! This is totally my life. I love the, “You’re just always so critical,” when you tell them and the “Why didn’t you tell me,” when you don’t. Good times.
Omg, this is so true. I have thought, for years, that my husband would be fired if he performed at work the way he performs at home. He has no clue where anything is, even though we’ve lived here for 14 years. I’ll give him a list–complete with sizes and brands–and he’ll bring home different brands, sizes, etc, thinking he’s done it better. Then, as we use his choices, he finds out why I choose the ones I do. ugh. I swear he leaves his brain at work so it doesn’t wear out.
Guys hold their penises for the same reason dogs lick theirs. Because they can.
As the mother of two boys, I hear ya. They’re just fascinated by their own appendages, aren’t they? Oy.
One positive, at least he is holding his own!
YES! Damn, are you in my house? Watching my son? Because that’s creepy… I mean, eerily accurate.
Recently went to a “Mom and son” event, texted my S.O. “OMG SO MUCH LITTLE BOY PENIS GRABBING!!!!”
Smart kids in his school I guess. 🙂
Conclusion? I think your child is an engineer.
Several references to ‘fiddling’ were the give away.
My favorite is “Mom, will you come watch me play Minecraft?” Yes, maybe after my 3rd shot!
Love it. The paragraph about how awful it is to listen to Coldplay had me laughing out loud.
thank you! xo
When you are hob-nobbling with the Elite Common Women I hope that you remember the rest of us slobs who won’t or just can’t even with the whole steam clean process. Thank you in advance. I must go now as I must clean up my monitor and put in a request ticket for a new keyboard.
I dislike crowds – which actually means I hate being smashed against strangers sweaty bodies – so I don’t go to concerts at indoor venues that have AC and cold beer. The dessert is out. So CocHELLa (see what I did there?) is right out.
THis is awesome. Hilarious.
I should start a club..
I totally agree with the banning of emoji conversations. I would be lost without my smiley face though. It means I can get away with more sarcasm.
‘usually talking about his penis’ – BWAHAHA
I always just ask for a handmade card which is code for diamonds. I, unfortunately, am raising children without code-breaking skills.
That part made me literally LOL!!!
The remote one fixed itself when we got the new DVR. Hubs doesn’t know how to completely work it yet, and will always end up pushing the wrong button. He will then hand it to me saying, “here, fix it!” I’m doubly rewarded with having remote in MY hand, while he is “admitting” that some things I can just do better.
Don’t forget: kids not fighting! Why, oh why, can’t they just for one day, get along! 😉
People learn to ask young children if they” have a girlfriend”etc. on TV, in magazines ads, and in our kiddy porn culture at large. Simon Cowell and many other talent shows regularly asks pre-adolescent contestants that question. Kids are objectified as sex objects because sex sells. (Capitalism at its worst) This attitude and practice is harmful and needs to stop. Thanks for bringing some sanity to this subject with your well said rant.
My oldest son once decided to flirt with the telemarketer. I knew he was being sarcastic but apparently she did not. He flirted so well we had all of her telemarketing co-workers calling all evening.
Thankfully he usually learns from his mistakes.
If I don’t recognize the name or number or if I.D. shows unknown I answer, wait for a human being’s voice, and then set down the phone, and walk away. It may not serve any purpose, other than to piss off the person at the other end, but damn, it makes me fee better.
You are a dish of awesome, smothered in more awesome sauce!
Well played, madam!
I would recommend going to nomorobo.com . It cuts off all the robo calls. But if you did that, what would you do with all your free time?
Poor Triana. (snicker giggle snort)
Great piece. And happy anniversary, you crazy wild lovebirds.
I am a waiting room schizophrenic. I am never the passive aggressive bitch, but I have been the computer ‘leave me aloner’, the ‘laughing man’ and the ‘chatty cathy’ (that is a nervous reaction mostly). Glad the kids weren’t totalled 🙂
Lemme see, we have the following information:
using a phone number with a 701 area code
works for the Legal Offices of Clemont Lewis
with that how many of us could fone up and bug her and make her day?
Collections agents (which is what that law firm is) are seriously the worst people in the world. They scream at people, swear at them, threaten to have the cops come arrest them at work, threaten to take their kids away, whatever is the most abusive thing they can do, all with the goal of breaking people down so they’ll pay. I had a client who was an elderly church lady who was the victim of predatory lenders (who are even worse than collections agents – when they’re not the exact same people) get told by a collections agent that real Christians pay their bills, and how would she like it if he called her pastor and told him she was a lying deadbeat. The reason they act that way is that they bought the bad debt from the original creditor for pennies on the dollar, so the only way they make money is if a certain portion of people pay up, which the vast majority of them aren’t going to do (almost always because they can’t). The agents have nothing to lose by being dickish – in fact, if they were nice to people, they’d quickly be fired. Good for you for giving Triana a taste of her own medicine!
Have to admit, my thoughts went to the exact same place Aileen’s did.
701 would cover all of North Dakota, so it shouldn’t be that hard to find…
BRILLIANT! OMG I love this so much!!
I’m a fan of the “who’s that hooker you added on Facebook? Let me REMIND you why you married me” sex.
that’s a good one, stephanie!
“Heals make everything look thinner, even your fetus.”
Snort laugh complete for the day. Thanks!
hilarious. Hilarious. Hilarious. HILARIOUS.
very funny but there are too many big words in it and she wouldn’t understand them.
maybe they have a translator on staff. thanks for reading. xo
Hilarious! Since long time, I haven’t laughed so much. :)))) Thank you, Meredith for insights of p. holding :)))
Hi! A friend of mine just introduced your blog to me today, so I’m still trying to read as many of your blog entries as my squinty eyes could manage. So far, though, I can already infer that I love your writing style! You’re witty and smart and self-deprecating, and you speak your mind fearlessly – without any inhibition and fear of being judged or of unwittingly offending someone’s sensibilities. I am a blogging novice (I just put up my blog 5 days ago and published my first blog entry two days after that). I just want you to know that, from now on, I will look up to you as my blogging and writing idol and will always refer to your articles whenever inspiration eludes me. That’s it, I guess. I still have a lot of reading (of your articles) to do! 🙂
I’M A WIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNER!
That felt nice.
hope you do!!!!
October through December seems like the busiest time for birthday parties, at for us. How wonderful that it coincides with the holidays. There should be some sort of rule that people cannot be romantic in January, February, or March. There might be a lot of protesting at first, but they’d understand the reasoning eventually. =)
yes! yes! yes!
Funny and sadly all too true. A chair would certainly be nice. But let me ask you, do you really want to mix alcohol with awkward conversations with adults that you barely know? All while making sure your child doesn’t: a. wreck the venue, b. cause a scene or c. eat the birthday cake before “Happy Birthday” is sung?
all good point elliot. but yes, yes i do. thanks for writing!
It is a woman’s lot to be the only one in the household who can apparently successfully complete these chores. The one time my ex- did the laundry (because I was down for the count with an adult case of Chicken Pox). He put the laundry in the machine. Threw in the soap.An hour later put the laundry in the dryer, and then kindly put it all away. Only he had never run the washer. Or noticed. My drawers were full of dry laundry soap for months.
I’m right with you. *sigh*
I used to be told I was doing it wrong so I figured if everything I did was wrong there was no point doing it.
I suppose that IS much easier than just learning how to do it correctly, for the sake of your wife’s or SO’s sanity.
Nail on the head!
I showed Alex how to operate the washing machine the day we got back from our honeymoon. He’s technically been doing his own laundry for years now, but I was pretty sure there was something about marriage that was going to make him forget. He still manages to do it himself but actually taking his clothes back OUT of the dryer? Not a part of the process.
As a working dad with a wife that is a SAHM and 3 kids 6 and under, I can actually understand how your husband ends up where he does. I know because I’ve caught myself doing this stuff to my wife.
My wife and I honestly see things differently. I live much more in the “now” when I am at home. I am only there for a few hours a day and all I want to do is enjoy my kids while I am there. While they are awake, nothing else at all matters to me. I get 3 hours MAX a day with them. So, that spilled juice that happened in the middle of a chasing and giggling session or while helping my son finish his homework or stacking blocks for the 80th time for my daughter, just doesn’t cross my mind as critical at that moment.
I will say exactly what your husband says “I will get to it when I am done here.” I’d say there is a 50/50 chance I will actually get to it. As you say, its not out of laziness or malice and obviously not from a stroke, but simply because my mind was somewhere completely different when it happened. By the time the fun ends and the kids are in bed, I’ve simply forgotten about it.
Of course, like you, my wife mentally catalogs those things and knows that if she doesn’t deal with it, feet will get sticky. So she does it. It’s not fair to her and even worse is it isn’t fair to the kids who rarely get to have fun with her cause she won’t let things go. She won’t let things go cause she “knows” she’ll have to do it. It’s a vicious circle.
So, how does it get better? Two things from my viewpoint:
1) Get me to empathize. After the kids are in bed, and NOT in the moment (in the moment = nagging to us, even if it is unfair) bring up some things you would really appreciate help with and why (one thing at a time, otherwise = nagging). My wife did this once with my dirty clothes issue. I would leave dirty socks in the living room and dirty clothes next to my side of the bed.
She asked, very nicely, at a moment when there were no high emotions and we weren’t doing anything else: “I know you don’t do it to drive me crazy, but it really does. Could you please start putting your dirty clothes away? And is there anything I can do to make it easier for you? I pick up a hundred things every day from toys, to food, to clothes for the kids, I really shouldn’t have to do it for a grown man too.”
So, I told her that for the next few weeks she has my permission to remind me every time I leave socks on the floor. I agreed to not get annoyed with her and that I would stop whatever I am doing to pick them up.
After a few weeks of this I got to the point where I never leave socks on the floor. Ever.
2) Understand that we will do things differently. Nothing will stop me from helping faster than being told how I am doing it wrong. Now, obviously only doing half the dishes and claiming to be done deserves some derision. But see #1 for that: “hey, I appreciate you helping with the dishes, but when you leave 3 dishes in the sink I still have to wash them before I can cook breakfast tomorrow morning, so it doesn’t ease my stress as much as you might think it does.”
But, nitpicking on what order he washes the dishes in, or “helping” by frequently suggesting better ways (AKA your way) of doing things makes us feel like idiots. It’s an enigma. Smart, professional men can feel like mental midgets when our wives tell us we don’t know how to wash a spoon the right way.
So, help us understand what the end should look like, “Please put the big pot in this shelf, otherwise I end up dropping it on my head.” But try avoiding telling us how we get the pot in there, even if we look like gorillas trying to open a suitcase.
So anywho, it could be just me that thinks that way, but I figured I’d share.
Great tips! Thank you for writing!
Just for the record, actually living “in the moment” during that time with your children would mean that you’d stop and say “oops, we spilled something, we’d better clean that up.”
I guess I’m glad I’m not the one and my husband isn’t the only one. Recently, I noticed my husband stopped doing just about all lawn maintenance. He just shrugged and said he hates yard work, alway has. I just don’t understand why that equals don’t do it. Or why he doesn’t know where anything in the house is. In front of company, he asked me where our son’s clothes were. Um, in his room, in the dresser and the closet. He is a very smart, professional man but it’s like he uses all his capacity for any type of labor for work and comes home unable to process anymore information or move any muscles.
At least he does half the work! That’s kinda huge.
It’s only “kinda huge” if she had absolutely nothing else to do at all, all day, ever. If one sits at home eating bon-bons all day while filth piles up around them and expects the other who works all day to do half the housework, and the other does it gladly, THAT would be “kinda huge”. That aside, it seems you missed the point. It’s not about him doing “half the work”; it’s about him doing what work he does do half-assed.
All good points!
I posted an article about this SECONDS before seeing yours on Facebook. Love it!
You know it doesn’t have to be this way. My wife and I developed some early division in our relationship. I wash the gross stuff like the bathroom, I do all the cooking because I’m the better cook, and I mostly do the dishes and am always left with anything that doesn’t go in the dishwasher that she doesn’t want to take care of. She handles the laundry and does a lot of other cleaning and picking up which I help with too.
That’s a good system, Chris! She’s a lucky gal!
I guess i’m pretty fortunate in the fact that my husband pretty much does all of the dishes, he is so anal about it. If I load the dishwasher he will completely unload and reload it so now I don’t even bother. But ask him to do the laundry or vacuum the floor and he looks at me like I just asked him to move to a 3rd world country!
Well at least you’re good on dishes. He sounds like a keeper!
You know how sometimes you stumble upon someone’s blog and you read their About page and you curl up in a ball because you really want to be their friend, but you can’t because you are sissy who is watching Gossip Girl and Property Brothers, at the same time, and that makes you too busy to socialize and be nice, quirky and interesting enough to be a friend to a person who made you laugh like you haven’t in a long time?
Anyhow…I love the blog.
gosh, thank you so much!what a nice note.
It’s a really interesting post, but not for the reasons you might have thought. It is an excellent case study to illustrate one of the top three stressors in a marriage (the other two being money management and frequency or form of a sex life).
For division of domestic chores, the vast majority (close to 90% by some studies), it’s a similar story — the wife feels like she does it all, and the husband does nothing. Particularly if it is a husband who works outside the home and the wife who works inside. Same old, same old for the stories, yet the root causes of it are highly similar (about 75-80% of the original 90).
You say repeatedly that your husband doesn’t do the job you want him to, and in some cases, some women interpret that as “disloyal” or even “well, he’d do it if he loved me”. But often the reality is they fundamentally have different standards — yet that doesn’t mean the husband’s standard is WRONG and the wife’s is RIGHT. It means they differ and they have to find some compromise somewhere. In this case, I see at least four red flags as to why your husband doesn’t do that good a job — mainly because he knows that it’s not going to be good enough. Whatever he does, you’re going to redo. His “good enough” is your view that it is half-assed. Often, in similar stories, the husband has the same view of the wife’s behaviour in our situations — stereotypically, not taking care of the car, not looking after electronic devices, etc. The classic sterotype is the husband who does half-assed job cleaning the house and the wife who doesn’t care if the car makes an extra noise while she’s driving it, she just needs to get from A to B and doesn’t have time to deal with the fact the oil light is on. Both stereotypes are equally offensive, but they frequently persist in case studies. Again, the solution is obvious — find a middle ground unless it’s life or death, fall on your sword time for one of them.
A bigger concern is that he and your kids have learned, “Why bother, mom will do it anyway.” And you will, so they’re not wrong. You might be surprised that they don’t “love” you for it, in fact they probably resent you for it. Because they know that what they do to help is never going to be “good enough” unless they do it exactly the way you want them to do it.
You wrap your martyrdom in “I’m not a neat freak, I’m a mom who contains messes”, but your family has pretty clearly told you they’re willing to live with more mess than you are, so you’re not doing it “for them”, you’re doing it for yourself. Why is up to you to figure out, but it probably isn’t the rationalizations you listed above.
The most popular refrains in couples therapy of the last three years for most therapists? “Let it go” for the wife, and “be in the moment” for the husband. If you want an eye-opener, maybe print your post and ask your husband what he really thinks. I suspect his storyline might be a little different than you portrayed.
My husband has always been a huge help because frankly, anything else is unacceptable. It’s not 1950. He does all of the laundry (except folding, we barely do that anyway), cooks, does the dishes when he’s off work, and generally just helps me out.
Frankly, I find the kind of attitude of the husband in the article pretty terrible. It’s boring for us women too but “I got bored” is not an excuse. Walking away from something is crap and relying on your wife because she does it better or something is the worst. He needs to grow up! Adult life is about sharing responsibilities- a marriage is about sharing responsibilities, and leaving one person with 80% of the burden is just not good enough. Sounds like Mum needs a 4-day weekend away without the kids and Dad needs to do everything to appreciate quite how much she does.
I love the Headbanz game – hope I can win!!
I have the same problem. I once accidentally told my ex “I love you” when we were talking about whose house our son was sleeping at that weekend.
here’s hoping he didn’t hear you! xo
What if I don’t “like” this post? What if I LOVE it and there’s no “LOVE” button!!??
Then we need a LOVE button! thank you…xo
This. Is. Hilarious. I love you too, Bad Sandy 🙂
Thanks Deva. Back at ya!
I am notorious for ordering pizza from the man I love because I end every call with ‘love you, bye’. The ones in person are more like ‘I have never loved you more’ said to the teacher who found my phone in the park and ‘I just love you’ to the guy who gave me a 10% discount on furniture even though there was a clearly marked sign saying 10% off that I hadn’t noticed. But those don’t count right?
You’re allowed to really love anyone who gives you a discount! xo
My husband told his employee he loved her as he was hanging up the other day. I thought it was hilariously awesome, he’s worried he might soon hear from HR.
Btw – I love you Bad Sandy, you’re the best
thanks Andrea Cohen!
Oh jeez this reminded me of the time I told another mom, whom I only met once before, that I loved her. And then she awkwardly said I love you too making it ridiculously uncomfortable because she actually thought about it and said it.
Ooh, that’s even worse. I’d have considered moving.
When you say words out of habit, it should help you to realize that it is a habit.
When you use words that are as powerful as “I love you”, it should be an attempt to convey your feelings. I love my children, and I tell them frequently. I love my wife, and I tell her frequently.
I do not love the pizza delivery girl, the mailman, or the cable guy. They are convenient to my life. That is all. As a result, I have never told them that I love them.
Words can convey feelings. Using the words “I love you” indiscriminately, even with loved ones, will cheapen those words. When you say the words “I love you”, it should convey your true feelings. It should come from the heart. If it doesn’t come from the heart, then don’t use those words.
If you mean “Thank You” or “I appreciate your help”, then say that.
Never use powerful words lightly or habitually. If you love them, then tell them. If you are grateful, then a “thank you” should suffice.
I can’t say I have the “I love you” probably but I always tell the box office person at the movies, “You, too!” when they say “Enjoy your movie!.” ha
I just wanted to say that I found your blog via your article “6 Ways Changing My Perspective Helped Stop My Kid’s Tantrums” on mom.me. I used the reading a book tip this morning to stop a tantrum after an awful, awful morning yesterday and it worked!! Thank you so much! As we left the house for daycare/work my son said, “We had a good day!” seriously. thank you!
This is every princess party ever! Wish I’d been live-tweeting them this whole time.
me too! xo
Not all of us subscribe to the Elf. He is not Christmas in my books. He is a moronic attempt at controlling children to give parents’ peace and quiet. In return they get to wake up in the middle of the night because they forgot to move the fucker and they are stressed. Seems logical.
“He is a moronic attempt at controlling children to give parents’ peace and quiet.”
So is Santa, really! But nowadays the kids will get gifts no matter what—gone are the days when fruit and a few small items in a sock were what you got, and if you were naughty you really did get coal!
My daughter was introduced to the elf at daycare and friends’ homes. She’s 7 now and figured out at age 6 that the elf isn’t real, but she still reeeeally wanted to get one this year. So she bought one with her own money on eBay, but I will never say “don’t do such and such because Ginger will report back to Santa!” Ridiculous. I got the book out from the library last year out of curiosity and it was creepy as hell. Be good OR ELSE! We just use it as a hide and seek game. Where is it hiding today?
Of course religion is used to keep kids in line too… in pretty much the same way. And with more dire consequences than just no presents.
Last year I created a Pinterest board with the funny pictures people have made with the thing. I love those pictures! https://www.pinterest.com/lttawnymadison/the-elf-on-the-shelfs-wild-life/
I loved your board! I agree that Santa and religion are the working the same angle. Santa is one night of parents having to remember to do something though. Religion is omnipresent but it doesn’t require me getting out of bed. I love that your daughter bought an Elf for herself. She sounds like an ace kid!
“Religion is omnipresent but it doesn’t require me getting out of bed.” Lol!!!
DH would not hear of buying one for her, ha!
Then…..why do young black men walk around in public with a death grip on their crotches ? Never seen a white dude doing this ! Even seen them walking the sidewalk, with a young lady in tow, with a hand and forearm down the front of their drawers……what gives ? ? ?
Meredith, I used to work for a global technology company, and I can tell you that Ambar and his fellow customer service representatives are doing quite well financially. While they might be paid considerably less than someone in a similar position in the U.S., they’re making a lot more than most of their Indian neighbors. So the kids have shoes, and clothes… and probably a lot of the things our kids have, too.
Hey Sue, Of course! That’s why it’s even more ridiculous that I want to take care of them. Some of them could probably take care of me. Thanks for your note. xo
Really. well. done. I have an 8 year old son and hope his therapist reads your article before his appointments. Every single time.
Any mother who is willing to enter Chuck E Cheese with her child should be automatically nominated for sainthood. I am so glad those years are behind me.
And yes, we do it for the joy in their eyes.
My mom didn’t do half the shit you do with your kids and for that, I need therapy! LOL! You’re a great writer, Meredith, and an even better mom!
Thank you Treva! xo
What a funtastic post!
I too have proven my undying mother’s love in that petri dish called Chuck E Cheese. I better get credit for that!! 🙂
I downloaded Waze on the advice of a tech-savvy friend. It helped us navigate the best route home from Florida and warned us of police cars and traffic backups ahead. I don’t use it often at home because my route is predictable and here in Kansas we don’t really have much of a rush hour. I can see where it could become addictive, though! You can change your avatar and see other Waze users nearby.
it is really great!xo
In the South after you say “Bless your (Or his or her.) heart” it’s OK to say anything you want.
I’m going to start doing that. xo
Bahahaha oh I laughed my a** off reading this! You are too much. This chick sounds like a Grade-A pretentious a**hole. I don’t even know what the hell she was eating on that macro menu of hers but it sounds like very expensive dirt. Gwyneth can have her – can YOU be my best friend???
I’ve been one of those guys, registering voters. One thing, though: the registration form was accompanied by ballot initiatives for the upcoming primary election. One other thing: those initiatives were often sponsored by conservative interests. Republicans paid by the signature. Democrats paid by the hour, and not much at that, the cheap bastards — and I’m a lifelong Democrat.
So,while registering to vote at my command post, you would be offered additional petitions to approve the clubbing of harp seals to bolster the fur industry, equip third graders with handguns, and build a wall along the U.S. border with Mexico to curtail the influx of undocumented rapists and mariachi musicians.
But instead of standing by the supermarket doors, I set up two collapsible chairs and a small table, and bowl of a taffy: I blogged about it.
I enjoyed the experience, but it gave me a permanent dislike for Girl Scouts and their goddamned thin mints and s’mores. See, the little con artists would set up shop near my field headquarters and pirate my trade, one of the downsides of mixing political activism with free enterprise.
this is fabulous! as a recovered girls scout, i can attest to their amazing sales skills. thanks for writing.
(Not for posting) Thanks. I’ve bookmarked your site.
Lifelong Democrat? I’m sorry. But, I still like you.
I would like to humbly add a request that socks stay together. At least within the same room. Drives me crazy to find one sock in the kitchen and one on the stairs. Every day. I think my son’s socks may be the thing that causes me to finally snap.
But hasn’t every hetero woman on the planet objectified Idris? I mean god damn!
Well said. It does feel cowardly to not speak out, yet speaking your mind can be opening yourself up to such anger! Thank you for taking the risk…you don’t need to be an “expert” to have common sense and compassion.
Care to be added to my non-toxic, non-invasive and often non-sense now-and-then web log?
Now I want your brisket recipe. I mean, it’s a brisket recipe for one thing, but you ranked it in fairly equal terms with your credit card info. This means a *good* brisket recipe…. I find myself wondering if I email 14 time pleading to chats if you’d fling the recipe at me to slow me down while you considered just how many weird people are out there on the internet and how to block them.
Brisket aside, I think you’re hysterically funny on a regular basis and I link various articles to my hapless email contacts with glee. And fill sleepless hours wandering through your blog, because nothing says “give her some space” like helpless giggles coming from a darkened room. Long may you notice things!
I completely disagree with the “Lucky” article – I am reminded weekly how I married a woman that is too good to be true. I’ve never argued with the assertion, either!
I thought I had sarcasm down to a science, but I’ll be adding ‘I could never pull off that look’ and ‘Let’s try something new’ to my repertoire.
About the whole I’m vain not healthy, so I’m not cliche LA, the LA it’s for health has always been viewed as a thin veil for vanity.
Hell Yes! This is awesome – holds up a year later!!
I am a Father of two sons, ages 8 and 14. And they never hold theirs, except maybe when they are peeing in the toilet. Sounds like you have nothing else better to do, than to sit around and write some bullshit article like this. …Woman…always talking so much about what they THINK they know, and proclaiming so much that isn’t so…
You had enough, it was early, and #1, that’s your BABY! Nobody outs baby in the corner LOL!
Kind of rough around the edges but you are lucky to have kids like that. Wish all of us heard things like that and felt so appreciated.
I have two sentences I use when people who make “art” ask me for my opinion. I say: “It’s NOTHING that I thought it would be!” Which is true since I usually don’t expect anything. The other one is “It’s so authentic” which basically means “it is what it is.” It works!
You may not have Christmas, my dear, but you rock at metaphors! I laughed so hard!
How is it that nobody told her that steaming thing is actually dangerous? How does that even…I mean why?
Screentime for Moms