My Application Letter For Gwyneth Paltrow’s Private Club

Dear Gwyneth:

I just heard the news! You’re expecting. You’re having a private club! Congratulations. You’re going to be opening a private club on Sunset Blvd. where the Hustler Store used to be. If all goes well, members will be able to steam their vagina while keeping up to date on the latest in dildos and nipple clamps.

Being a resident of Los Angeles, I’m thrilled that you will be opening a private club. We need it! There are way too many places in Los Angeles that let everyone in, like public parks and schools. We need a few more places that don’t let everyone in because Hollywood itself isn’t eletiest enough. And after seeing your interview with CNN , the one in which you said you were “very close to the common woman” because, as you said, you are a woman, I realized why you-a simple common actress from the Westside of Los Angeles whose parents had long and established careers in television and film-would start a private club. You want to make sure you get in! That is such a good idea. I hope you write about it on GOOP.

Being that you are starting a private club for common women at the former site of a store that sold sex toys, I realize I must be a member. Because I too, am a common woman. Because I too, am a woman.

So as a part of my application process, I want to let you know that I really like cleanses. I know you do, too. We’re basically twinsies! And while I tend to like a Cheeto-based cleanse and you tend to like a juice or soup-based cleanse, they’re really kind of all the same. See Gwyneth it doesn’t matter how a woman cleanses, only that she does. All in all, we’re all just women trying to avoid eating! We are united in our dysfunction, Gwyneth. We are one.

I also want you to know that I keep a tidy vagina, which I know is important to you. And while my vagina started angry-text’ing me when I made an appointment for a V-Steam, I do see my OB twice annually. And sure there was that one time when I lost a tampon in my own self,  I found it. I even found two kids in my vagina! But I’m a big fan of showering, even if I’m not willing to steam-scald my ladyness.

Other things we have common, I hate Coldplay too. That is why you got a divorce, isn’t it Gwyneth? So you never had to listen to another Coldplay album again? That’s fair, Gwyn. I mean how many times should a girl have to listen to “Yellow” without wanting to place her head in the oven? Mumford and Sons starts to sound exotic after a few listens to Coldplay.

I mean don’t get wrong, Chris Martin is one talented dude. He’s great. He can write angry rants in chalk on the side of a piano like nobody I know. And he’s a beautiful songwriter with a gift for making each and every song sound exactly the same as the rest. But it does tend to get monotonous, in a completely common and boring way. But he is wonderful, even if he’s now consciously intercoursing with Jennifer Lawrence.

So it is with great enthusiasm that I’d like to become a member of the Gwyneth Paltrow private club for common women. I look forward to talks given by world leaders on the international cleanse crisis. And I can’t wait for think tanks on how to publicize International Day Of Spin Class. I eagerly await the opportunity to dine in a private setting with other common women, most of whom will be queens, billionaire’s children and actresses. We’ll lament how hard is to find good help these days, why school-aged children can’t go to school seven days a week, and how to use our common power to get lawmakers to legislate better and make Barney’s stay open past 6pm.

But most importantly Gwyneth, we’ll have fun. And we won’t have to have fun with others, like icky people or people from the Valley. Because every common woman knows it’s great to be common, but it’s better to be elite.

Looking forward to my personal interview. I’ll bring my spin shoes!


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4 thoughts on “My Application Letter For Gwyneth Paltrow’s Private Club

  1. When you are hob-nobbling with the Elite Common Women I hope that you remember the rest of us slobs who won’t or just can’t even with the whole steam clean process. Thank you in advance. I must go now as I must clean up my monitor and put in a request ticket for a new keyboard.

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