My Letter To Gwyneth Paltrow Regarding Her Suggestion To Steam My Vagina

Dear Gwyneth,

As you know, I absolutely loved your GOOP Holiday Gift Guide. It was so accessible and relevant proving that you’re just one of the girls, if the girls had never had a job or a budget. I love that GOOP is like a very expensive public service message offering an unattainable lifestyle with the message of, “You can’t have this, but I can.” It’s a unique spin on being helpful and I like that you’ve found a way to be unique.

Congratulations on the release of your movie Mortdecai. No one saw it. But when it comes to making movies it’s not about how many people saw it, it’s about how may times the actors refer the director as a genius in interviews. Good job. You guys nailed it.

Let’s not forget the amazing ad campaign for the movie Mortdecai, which was up longer than the film. My kids have had so much fun looking at the movie’s posters, which have you photographed with a full-grown mustache. Over and over my kids would pass one of the billboards and ask, “Why does that lady have a mustache?” to which I would respond thoughtfully, “She spent all her money on the GOOP holiday gift guide and couldn’t afford a lip wax.”

Being a fan, I couldn’t help but drop a note to say thank you for the recent suggestion on GOOP for a vagina steaming at Tikkun, a Korean spa in Santa Monica, California. You refer to the spa’s “Mugwort V-Steam” treatment as, “the golden ticket here,” which best as I can tell is a facial for your vagina.

On your post, you describe the treatment in great detail. Apparently you sit on a throne (which looks like a golden toilet or a sparkly chair in pre-school) and a combination of “infrared and mugwort steam cleanses your uterus, et al.” From the description, I can’t quite tell if the treatment uses infrared rays to make microwave popcorn in my vagina, or if that hand from “The Addams Family” is going to come up through the hole in the throne and give me a happy ending. But since you promise an, “energetic release,” I’m assuming it’s the latter of the two.

Personally, the term mugwort sounds very similar to me to the word “Hogwarts,” the name of the school in the Harry Potter movies. This makes me think the V-Steam is either going to make my vagina disappear or fly by itself on a broomstick. Either way I’m terrified, which is exactly how one should feel when going to a spa.

This brings us to the point of my note. Gwyneth, I’m all about new and exciting ways to stay young and feel fit. I have no problem with plastic surgery, though I’ve never had the guts to get any. I don’t judge how people choose to exercise, diet or take care of their skin.  And overall, I try to apply a “live and let live” theory to life. In other words unless your choices affect me, they’re really none of my business.

So I’m really not writing to be critical. My note is actually one of concern. Gwyneth what exactly is happening in your vagina that you need to steam it? I mean last year, my whole family got bitten by some sort of mite and we had to have every upholstered piece of furniture, curtain, and clothing steamed cleaned. But that’s because there were invivsible mites in our skin. Steaming made sense.

But the thought that a woman’s private parts need cleansing and releaseing is sort of archaic don’t you think? I mean isn’t a vagina steam just an expensive Summer’s Eve disposable douche? And didn’t we learn at some point in our 20’s, that we don’t have to douche to be clean? I mean maybe you do. I don’t know what’s happening on your Saturday nights now that you’re single. And chances are that in the years in Hollywood, your vagina has met with some pretty dirty dicks. But unless your vagina has been on vacation in a dumpster, I just can imagine it’s so filthy that a simple shower wouldn’t do. I mean sure, we all get a little funky if we don’t go home and change immediately after yoga, but hot mugwort up in our bits? Seems excessive, no?

Like I said, I’m not writing to be critical. But I just figured that before you put hot anything on your vagina, just take a shower. It’s probably healthier and definteily faster. And you need all the time you can get, sister. Scouring the world for things no one can buy is time consuming!

Talk soon,


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4 thoughts on “My Letter To Gwyneth Paltrow Regarding Her Suggestion To Steam My Vagina

  1. I want to thank Gwyneth for giving me the opportunity to tell my woman tonight I am going to get you all hot and bothered before I get you all hot and bothered.

    Really, men love having the opportunity to steam clean anything and everything. It is the perfect excuse to get a new toy to clean the engine on the car and yours.

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