My Letter To Gwyneth Paltrow Regarding Her Suggestion I Poop Soup

Dear Gwyneth:

Boy, that V-steam was fun. Okay, confession alert. I didn’t actually steam my vagina. I went to make an appointment, but then my vagina started to whimper and ask why it was being punished. It promised to be good and not use bathroom words anymore, so I figured that was enough of a cleanse and I spared my vagina the $50 scalding.

A lot of my readers wrote in explaining that the V-Steam is actually an old tradition and that some say it has medicinal benefits. Truth be told, whenever I hear the word medicinal I get terrified. The assumption is that just because something is old, it’s good. But slavery is old and so is women not having equal rights, so I’m okay with some things being new. Like logic and kindness. Especially when it comes to my vagina.

I’ve been tooling around your GOOP website. And while I’ve often poked fun at your site, there’s some really good stuff there. I love the annual cleanse you suggested. The kale guacamole looks amazing and so does the halibut with puy lentils (Hawaiian lentils?). I was going to make all of it.  But when I realized I didn’t have a private chef or a food stylist to make all that food taste and look good,  I ordered a pizza instead. It tasted and looked really good.

I noticed you have a new cleanse up on Goop. It’s the soup cleanse, which I must say kind of intrigues me. I like soup, though I will admit I’ve never considered having it for breakfast, lunch and dinner. I mean what mom has time for breakfast? You, I suppose. You probably even sit down to eat. My butt hasn’t see a chair since I had children, though I suspect I could have my breakfast soup while I make the kids’ lunchboxes, snacks and drive them to school. Maybe Goop could suggest a bib. For moms who never get to sit down to eat, but are on the Goop soup cleanse.

But I’m actually writing to ask a simple question. I know it’ll seem naïve, so I hope you’ll humor me. But Gwyneth, what the heck is with all the cleanses? What happened to just eating healthy? Or, eating at all? Why does everything have to be puree’d, juiced, or liquefied? Why does eating, or not eating as is the case with your suggestion, have to be such a big fucking deal? Isn’t it better to have long term health rather than a short term flat stomach? And isn’t part of long term health learning to eat in a healthy, consistent fashion with an emphasis on eating?

Don’t get me wrong. I have nothing against soup. I’m even a fan. But Gwyneth, what I’m not a fan of is pooping after I’ve only had soup for a day or two. Because if a soup poop is anything like juice cleanse poop, I can tell you first hand that the results are not pretty and they’re sort of painful. It’s sort of like going to Mexico or Morocco, drinking the water from the tap, and then eating some spoiled meat. It sends your stomach into a crampy, painful tailspin that yes, will give you a flat stomach, but only because you will have just crapped your intestines until they are raw. Shitting yourself skinny is no way to go. Trust me, friend. I’ve been to both Mexico and Morocco.

Gwyneth because we’re pen pals by now, I’m going to be a real friend and make a suggestion. I think you need a cleanse from cleansing. To me, being clean doesn’t mean shitting out that bag of Cheetos you mainlined while waiting in the carpool line at pick-up, it’s actually being consistent and healthy over the long term. A little soup, a little juice and a lot of moderation seem like a better suggestion than the latest trend that will probably give you a flat tummy and make you feel clean, but will also give you a serious case of Montezuma’s revenge and an intense craving for a burger.

So Gwyneth, I’m going for longterm health over trendy cleanses and a time consuming obsession with cleaning something that probably isn’t dirty. The assumption that your body needs to be cleaned out doesn’t make sense to me. I’m no doctor, but I’m going with logic and kindness. Especially when it comes to my body.








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3 thoughts on “My Letter To Gwyneth Paltrow Regarding Her Suggestion I Poop Soup

  1. You had me on your side at the mention of “Soup Poop”. I agree, she needs a cleanse from cleansing and perhaps she can concentrate on NOT coming off like an enabled spoiled celebrity brat.

  2. This is such a refreshing point of view. I feel cleansed just reading it. Eat healthy? What a concept. I bet we could develop a diet where we eat less (and right) and exercise more and lose weight. I know crazy. Please keep writing.

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