My Letter To Gwyneth Paltrow Regarding The GOOP Sex Issue

Two Friends Whispering About Goop Sex Issue

Dear Gwyneth:

Thank you so much for this month’s GOOP sex issue, though I should admit I’m not totally sure a website can technically be called an issue. It’s not a magazine, which comes out monthly in the form of an issue—all in one piece. But, I like that GOOP absconds terms like issue and makes them their own by redefining them and using them in ways that don’t apply at all. It’s very sexy.

Related: My Letter To Gwyneth Paltrow Regarding Her Suggestion To Steam My Vagina

You may have noticed I haven’t written in a while. I wish I could say I’ve been busy churning my own butter made from coddled cream and pixie dust, or creating a bespoke family crest out of pigeon’s blood and a canvas created from a male baby dove’s foreskin, but I’ve actually just been busy working a lot. Gwyneth, work is that thing the people who you see at the GOOP offices do when you say, “Can someone get me a paraben-free iced latte made from ice cubes frozen in the Himalayas?” And they all go scurrying to find it. Suckers.

You and I have corresponded enough now that I think I can speak frankly to you like only two gal pals who’ve actually never met can do.   Gal pals can talk about anything. So I feel comfortable talking about sex with you, G. And I can tell you that like most women, Gwyneth, I’ve had good sex and bad. I know this probably comes as a surprise to you, that most women-myself included- have had good sex and bad sex-because everything you do is good, and joyous, and wonderful, and pinnable. But since we’re in a squad, and squad members don’t judge, I feel safe in saying that everyone else but you has experienced bad stuff, even bad sex, in our lives. I’m sure it’s because we’re poor, or because we eat dairy.

Looking back now, I realize so much of that bad I’m-in-college-he’s-a-bartender-sex I had back in the day could have been bettered if I’d only had the GOOP sex issue laminated for reference. In fact, the GOOP sex issue calls to mind an episode of “The Oprah Winfrey” show I saw decades ago when Oprah still had her daytime talk show. She tackled issues like sex in a dignified, honest, but helpful way. Women, and men, revealed how deeply troubled they were by their sex lives. Couples addressed their marriage issues as related to sex. There were revelations and tears. And everything was handled with grace. I still remember it to this day, decades later.

I still remember it because deeply personal issues like sex should never be handled with grace and dignity and Oprah should know better because she’s rich. Rich people know a lot more than everybody else and so if they’re going to willingly become a public spokesperson for a particular issue, they should know better than to try to be helpful. In fact the GOOP sex issue is delightfully unhelpful, as anything informative should be.

I read the GOOP sex issue cover to cover (you can’t do that on a website, but I want to make you feel good about calling a website and issue.)  I figured there would be some helpful insights, thought provoking essays, and even some takeaways.  I was pleased to see there were none.  Who wants to read something and learn to have better sex when it’s so easy to learn nothing and have GOOP sex?

In my quest to have more GOOP sex, I found the following insights from the GOOP sex issue particularly helpful.

Woman Enjoying Me Time With Her iPad

[Photo via: Tatiana Nino/Unsplash]

“The Not-So Basic Sex Toys” aka There’s A $15,000 Dildo On Your Site. First, I like that all the sex toys match. Sex toys should always be color coordinated and I like that you know that. Something that’s hidden in your closet, or in your vagina, should never clash with your blouse. That’s icky, and poor, and we all know poor people who don’t match have more bad sex than others who are say, rich.

I love that you suggest engraving “sweet nothings” into the gold handle of one vibrator of choice because a vibrator, like a watch, should always be monogramed or contain a personal message. One might engrave the word, “Mom” on her vibrator as if it were a tattoo, while a single user might engrave the sweet nothing, “I wish I had a man to do this.” A mom of four might engrave her vibrator with her kid’s names. The point is: when engraving your vibrator, the world is your oyster!

It’s worth noting that the vibrator also has built in data storage. It’s like the vagina’s answer to the cloud. So while you’re climaxing, you can also look at pictures of the last family trip to Barbados. Neat.

You also suggest a $15,000 dildo, which is covered in 24-karat gold. So after you’re done having multiple 24-karat gold orgasms, you can wear it as jewelry and tell your friends you recycle. You are so helping the planet, Gwyneth!

Woman Going To Snctm

(Image via: Chirstal YuenUnsplash]

Oooh, A Sex Club That Costs $50,000! Everyone knows that the best way to improve one’s sex life is to spend a ton of money you probably don’t have and potentially put your safety in jeopardy by joining Snctum (which I continue to read as “scrotum”), a Los Angeles sex club held in a random Holmby Hills mansion, which may or may not actually be an apartment in Burbank.

Intimacy is best achieved in non-intimate settings, with others watching and ideally, criticizing. It’s also always good to have sex in private public places that are missing some of their vowels. Good grammar isn’t sexy and it’s important you never know how to spell the name of the place you’re never been to, where you’re planning to sex with people you’ve never met.

In theory, there’s nothing wrong with a good old-fashioned sex club though this one is actually called an erotic theater. To each his, or her, own. Right, Gwyneth? But I was curious about the dress code, which has women dressed in evening wear, or lingerie. Good sex is all about being comfortable and relaxed, which to me has a woman’s dress code as yoga pants, or a bathrobe. (An organic bathrobe, of course.) But you do you, Gwyn. You do you.

Happy Wife Holding Sweet

There’s Lube Made Of Yams! I’ll never look at Thanksgiving again thanks to GOOP’s reference to yam lube. My mom always covered yams in marshmallows, so naturally I’m assuming that’s okay for the yam lube as well.

But the real gist of your highly informative lube article cleverly called, “I Yam What I Eat.:Is Lube Toxic?” was the toxicity of yams, or was it lube? Okay, it was lube. You kindly consulted an expert, Maggie Ney, N.D.

I spent half an hour Googling the term , “N.D.”  I’m used to doctors being referred to as an M.D., an abbreviation for medical doctor. I’m assuming N.D. means “not a doctor.” This gives me confidence when dealing in matters of medical advice.

Not A Doctor Ney says that lube is filled with parabens and chemicals that can harm a woman’s reproductive system. She also said it can harm a woman’s anus if used there, but I threw up in my own mouth when I read that and stopped reading.

Once I came to, I couldn’t help but wonder if the millions of lube users who have been lubing up for decades, have harmed reproductive systems. I hadn’t heard about this, but I also stopped watching “20/20” when I had kids because of all the creeps who drive vans, so maybe I missed the lube issue episode as well.

But the fixation on the toxicity of lube, Gwyneth, left me concerned that you might be abusing lube. Just how much lube are you using when you and not-Chris Martin are having paraben-free, organic sex? Because I understand that it’s potentially toxic, but unless it’s being used in large quantities each and every use (apologies, G, if you have a very long vagina that requires a quart of lube per sitting), than it’s probably not more toxic than say, the air we breathe, the invisible wireless signals that fill our air, and your self-proclaimed reluctance to use sunscreen. These might be of bigger concern than lube being made out of the same thing as trash cans, which is, I admit, gross.

Beautiful woman in pool

[Image via: Camila Cordeiro/Unsplash]

Sex Tips From An Expert. The tips called, “The Secret to Erotic Sensation & Sexual Fulfillment” by tantric sex expert Michael Boehm, were incredibly helpful in a way that wasn’t helpful at all. That’s the best kind of sex tip.

I loved his tips, which if I may paraphrase, were:

  • Focus on sensuality and general feeling of well-being. (Easy enough!)
  • Move your body in non-linear ways. (I have no idea what that means, but okay.)
  • Explore writings or videos that induce pleasure and arousal in your body. (By writings that induce pleasure does he mean the Neiman Marcus catalog?)
  • Create a daily ritual of giving attention to your body. (Because despite most moms never having time to actually feed or clothes ourselves, we definitely will have time to stop everyday and make our body feel special.)

In reading these tips, and trying to practice them, I couldn’t help but wonder if maybe the key to good sex is to have less tips and more sex.  Where’s the part of the issue that helps partners tell each other what they want? If you’ve ever had a sex conversation with your partner, or spouse, you know that can be one sticky conversation.  Do couples really need to go to an erotic theatre, or just listen to each other more, communicate better, and try to be more generous in life and in the bedroom?  Ask a married woman what foreplay means to her and she’ll usually respond, “When he washes all of the dishes.” Ask a married man what good sex means to him and he’ll probably say, “Any sex is.”

Because honestly Gwyneth, if one were to try to have GOOP sex, they’d be walking around in a non-linear fashion while rubbing up on a $15,000 dildo that stores data. They’d have matching vibrators and non-toxic lube.  They’d have a picture perfect sex life, but no sex! So GOOP sex is starting to sound pretty un-sexy to me, G.

I guess what I’m saying is that what I learned from the GOOP sex issue is that GOOP sex doesn’t sound very fun, or sexy.  I’ll stick to good old fashioned good sex.  Turns out, a night with my sexy husband is far less expensive than a $50,000 sex club, and it’s a whole lot more fun.  And I can save myself the chiropractor bills from all the time I’d spend walking around in a non-linear fashion, whatever that means.



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