Why Are You Holding Your Penis?

It happened much quicker than I thought. Sure I figured when the kid was 12, 13 years old we’d have the conversation with him. We’d explain how it worked and the responsibility of doing it. He’d be old enough to handle the implications. But it seems the kids are more sophisticated than I thought and now the time has come. My seven-year-old son can’t stop holding his penis and it’s time we talk about it.

I’ve long since marveled at the male habit of penis holding. Ask any grown man why he’s holding his penis and he’ll say, “Because it’s there” as if it’s a stuffed animal or a lovey. Penis holding, for grown men, seems to have no sexual implication. Grown men really do seem to be holding it simply because it’s there. It’s like a cozy pocket or a penny they don’t want to lose.

This, of course, makes no sense to me as a woman. Never do I sit and watch television and rest my hand on my vagina as if it’s a shelf or a warm glove. Likewise, I don’t just hold my shoulder, hip bone, toe or ribcage, all of which are body parts that are “there” as well. Vaginas*, to women, are functional. A vagina is either for pee’ing, having sex, or having children. It’s not a resting place while the other hand cuddles the remote.

But for men, the penis is like a trophy they can’t seem to put down. It’s a comfortable old friend they don’t want to stop hugging. It’s due north on a compass that helps them find direction. It’s something to hold simply because it’s there.

My son isn’t the first penis holder in the family leading me to believe there’s some genetic component to penis holding. His father is a skilled and accomplished penis holder. Makes sense, he’s been practicing for years. And while he’s not one to walk around holding his penis, nor will he hang on to it at work, give him a moment in a chair or bed and his hand will glide over to his penis as if he’s checking to make sure it’s still there.

But my son seems to be a more across the board penis holder. He’ll walk around holding it as if his penis has fuel that helps propel him forward. He’ll hold it while he’s reading. He’ll hold it while he’s sleeping. He’ll hold it while he’s holding it. Catch him in the act and he’ll smile like a Cheshire cat, but he won’t put it down. He simply can’t stop holding his penis.

As a mother, I can’t help but worry about my son’s chronic penis holding. “What will people think?” I say to myself while swatting his hand away. But as though his hand and his penis are magnetically linked, somehow the two old friends find one another. They can’t quit each other, no matter what I do.

So I finally ask my son, “Why are you holding your penis?” He smiles, shrugs and said, “I don’t know.” After careful observation I realize he’s not just a penis holder, he’s an everything holder. He’s always got something in his hand. He’s always got to be fiddling with something.

A pencil isn’t for writing. It’s for tapping. A button is a toy. A latch, zipper, or door knob are all something to fiddle with. Ask him why he’s playing with any of the above items and he’ll surely respond, “Because it was there.”

Experts will tell you that most young boys who are fidgety or energetic need to move as a way to help their brain propel thoughts forward. Your pediatrician or childhood development expert will say it better and more eloquently than I have. But the gist is most boys aren’t fidgety because they’re unruly, they’re fidgety because they need to be. So in the way that my kid will fidget with a pencil, doorknob, gadget or book, he’ll fidget with his penis. After all, it’s always with him. It’s always there.

And if fidgeting is somehow linked to thinking in young boys, than my boy is a genius. He can keep his hands to himself. He just can’t keep his hands off himself. Apparently, he’s got a lot on his mind.

*The term “Vagina” here is being used to cover all the lady- part references all in one. I’m well versed in the difference between a vagina, uterus, vulva, labia and clitoris. No need to get all technical and correct me.

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9 thoughts on “Why Are You Holding Your Penis?

  1. Recently went to a “Mom and son” event, texted my S.O. “OMG SO MUCH LITTLE BOY PENIS GRABBING!!!!”

    Smart kids in his school I guess. 🙂

  2. Conclusion? I think your child is an engineer.

    Several references to ‘fiddling’ were the give away.

  3. Hilarious! Since long time, I haven’t laughed so much. :)))) Thank you, Meredith for insights of p. holding :)))

  4. Then…..why do young black men walk around in public with a death grip on their crotches ? Never seen a white dude doing this ! Even seen them walking the sidewalk, with a young lady in tow, with a hand and forearm down the front of their drawers……what gives ? ? ?

  5. I am a Father of two sons, ages 8 and 14. And they never hold theirs, except maybe when they are peeing in the toilet. Sounds like you have nothing else better to do, than to sit around and write some bullshit article like this. …Woman…always talking so much about what they THINK they know, and proclaiming so much that isn’t so…

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