Big news! It was a good year. Your dad and I are feeling very fortunate. We were able to afford pants and underwear-for both of you! That’s two separate clothing items, you know.
I tell you this because there may have been some confusion around the home front. Judging by the dirty clothing I pull out of your hampers, you’ve both been misinformed to think that your underwear and pants is one unit. That’s why you take them off all in one, like a waiter who pulls the tablecloth out from under the dishes, right? Because you actually think they are one.
So just to be clear, your underwear is a totally separate clothing item from your pants. You put them on separately so it’s not clear when the garment lobotomy takes place during your day, but your underwear is not part of your clothing as if it were a man’s swimsuit with that built in net diaper to keep him from flashing his balls at the pool.
There actually seems to be a lot of laundry confusion happening in our house. Allow me to attempt to dispel some of it.
No, I don’t like doing laundry. Even if I’m smiling doing my tenth load someone else’s clothing, knowing full well I’ll have to wash another ten tomorrow and the next day after that, I’m not smiling because I’m happy. In fact when I picture myself being interviewed on “The Today Show” after I rake it with the lottery the very first thing I’m going to tell Matt Lauer is, “Now that I’m rich, I’m never doing laundry again. Ever.”
So when you wear a pair of shorts or a t-shirt for all of seven seconds before deciding you “want to with an entirely different look” for the day, put your clothes back with the clean stuff. It’s bad enough that I have to wash everyone’s dirty clothes. I’m not washing the clean stuff, too.
Your underwear and your pants aren’t a unit. They won’t cry if you separate them, but I’ll cry if I have to. See children your butts may be small, but they are still butts. The less time I can spend handling something your butt has spent a day in, the better. So here’s an idea, start by taking your pants off. Then, after pausing to catch your breath, take the underwear off. Sure, it’ll seem like that simple act of separation cost you hours of playtime, but it didn’t.
You have hands. When I see you kicking your pants off like a tiny little cockroach, I have to remind you, you have hands. Those hands work. You could use those hands to pull your pants off from the bottom, not the top, and you’d have already avoided the endless parade of inside out pants you leave for me to sort.
Right side out does not mean inside out. It may seem fun to leave me balled up socks and an entire laundry basket of inside out clothing, but it’s just a little less fun for me than you seem to think. See children’s socks should only be sorted by a Haz-mat team. Populations have been wiped out by what’s happening in your socks. So no, I don’t really want to right side out your socks or clothing But here’s an idea, you could do it!
Your shirt is not a napkin. This may feel like the equivalent of me telling you there is no Santa (sorry!), but I’m here to tell you your shirt is not a napkin. So though it’s sweet of you to leave me a sample of each and everything you ate or drank on your clothing, it would be much sweeter if you left it on say, a napkin.
Actually, I do have other things to do. It may seem like I’m never lonely because I have always have a shit ton of laundry to keep me company, but I’d actually prefer to be around people. Or sleep. I’ve never felt lonely when I’m sleeping, but I have felt horribly alone when I’m the only one in my house is awake and folding your clothes.
Your hamper is in your closet. Your floor is on your floor. What could easily be a one-step process of taking clothing off of one’s body and placing it inside the laundry hamper has a few added steps when kids are involved. So to clear up any confusion, the basket in the closet near which you throw your clothing is called a hamper. That thing you’re stepping on is called the floor. Aim for the hamper. It’ll save you all those steps.
If you don’t wear it, don’t unfold it. Remember when we learned I do have other things to do with my day other than laundry? Samesies applies to the folding the clothes portion of the laundry. If you didn’t wear it, there’s no reason your clothing should be balled up the sample sale rejects.
Now that you know that your undies and your pants won’t weep in each other’s absence, you know how laundry works children. So sort your own socks, separate your own underwear, and for God’s sake, pick your clothes up off the floor unless you’re marking your territory or warning me of land mines. In that case, the laundry is the least of our issues.
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