What I’m Really Thinking When My Kids Won’t Shut The Eff Up

Every weekend, I have delusions of family time that ends about two seconds after my kids get out of school.  It’s not that I mind spending time with them. It’s just that spending time with them requires listening to them.

As a child, I didn’t utter a sound or word until I was two-years-old causing my parents to think I was mute. My children are clearly making up for that.  Someone, somewhere must have told them  they’re getting paid by the word and so they never stop talking.  Listening to them is a full time job. Eventually, my ears go on strike.

Strangers think it’s charming that my kids are so chatty, but they don’t have to take long car rides with The Tonight Show happening in the back of their car. My kids just love to talk. My son even talks in his sleep.  And at swim lessons he nearly drowned because he couldn’t stop talking, despite being underwater.

Most parents will agree that deep down inside they wish they could occasionally “pause” their kid’s mouths as if every baby were born with a universal remote control. Instead we parents smile through ninja stories, poop jokes and endless questions that start with, “Why?” while these thoughts go through our head:

1) Only 13 years til college.

2) I think I put my thong on backwards.

3) Whatever happened to the other guy in Wham?

4) Oprah never should have left her talk show.

6) Is he still talking about ninjas?

7) I hope Gwyneth Paltrow doesn’t start singing again.

8) I feel so fat. I hope I’m not pregnant.

9) Oh, that’s what the last episode of Scandal was about.

10)  Maybe we should live in Europe.

11) Day 3 no carbs. I feel awesome.

12) Does that donut store have a drive-thru?

13) Where do three-year-olds learn to say, “Actually” ?

14) If he chokes on something, at least he’ll stop talking.

15) Is it cold out or hot out? I can’t take this back and forth.

16) I love flowers.

17) We shouldn’t have TV. Kids without TV are smarter.

18) OMG, so stoked the Real Housewives Reunion is on again.

19) Should I get bangs?

20) I think I’m going to become a vegetarian.

21) Taylor Swift is kind of annoying, but is really talented.

22) How can Big Bang Theory be the number 1 comedy and I’ve never met someone who watches it?

23) I should really start reading the front page of the paper before I read the entertainment section.

24) I hope Jen and Justin last. She seems so happy and at peace.

25) I wonder if kids could talk even under anesthesia.

26) Kanye seems so sullen lately.

27)  I wonder if baked ziti is hard to make.

28) When did pressed juices become trendy?

30) Ugh, I’m so thirsty.

31) It’s weird how many people hate cilantro.

32) Or, we should move to Latin America. Just for a year or two while the kids are young.

31) Did she just say, “Ola?” Oh God, she can chatter in two languages?

33) I hope talking too much isn’t a sign of a learning disability. Is there an assessment for that?

34) I wonder when kale got so popular.

35) What did he say? I wasn’t listening.

*Now before you go, please hit the FB like button and don’t forget to share this with some of your patient parent friends.

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6 thoughts on “What I’m Really Thinking When My Kids Won’t Shut The Eff Up

  1. This cracked me up… especially #25 since my 7-year-old had two teeth pulled last week and actually didn’t stop talking. They had to up the anesthesia dose to adult levels to knock her out. And the talking began the second she woke up. Good times!

  2. Thank you. I thought it was just me… Oh, and for me, I’d add #34b) I wonder if she can tell by my random “uh huh”s that I haven’t heard a word she’s been saying for the past hour…

  3. I’m actually psyched to get to this stage though I’m sure it’s one of those “be careful what you wish for” situations. Right now my 20 mo mostly repeats “uppie!” about forty seven times until I pick him up. I have the same thoughts as you though 😉

  4. #31 did it for me….since our move to the UK last month, everytime my kids open their mouths I’m on the lookout for more british-isms. And let me tell you, when you, as a red-blooded American, tell your 1/2 American, non-British kids that you have some chips for her in the car and she says “I love french fries”, you do have to struggle not to throw yourself into oncoming traffic. So be careful about 10 and 32….

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