I’m not getting a gift for Mother’s Day. I know this because when I asked Justin if he got my gift for Mother’s Day, he replied by saying, “I thought we weren’t doing gifts this year.” Naturally I responded by saying, “We’re not, but you are.” He laughed and said, “That’s funny” before going back to watching The Hangover trilogy spin-cycle that is currently rotating on cable TV.
I used to be fine with not getting gifts saying inane things like, “Your love is enough of a gift for me.” Or the moronic sentiment,”Our kids are my gift.” This is, of course, total bullshit. Children are lovely, but diamonds are forever.
The reason I like gifts is fairly obvious. I like to get stuff. I like to mark events, highs and lows with stuff. Shoes and jewelry are good ways to do that. Then, every time I wear those shoes I think of the day I got them and why. Of course every time I wear those shoes, Justin has to think of how to pay for them and why.
So we’re not doing gifts this year.
I also like sleep, but I don’t think I’m getting that this year for Mother’s Day. I like to relax, but I bet that won’t happen either. In fact, there’s a whole suite of things we Moms want for Mother’s Day that we’re not going to get. Here’s 20 of them.
1) EXTRA SLEEP. Just because you’re horizontal doesn’t mean you’re sleeping. This Mother’s Day, your kids will spend most of your “sleeping-in” standing over you watching you try to sleep. They’ll breathe so heavily and shout-whisper, “Are you done sleeping-in yet?” that you’ll just finally get up.
2) BREAKFAST IN BED. Well, you could have breakfast in bed if you make it and then get back in bed to eat it. Otherwise, you can be starving in bed or eat breakfast in the kitchen where your family probably hasn’t left you any turkey bacon.
3) A DAY OFF FROM BEING MOM. If you think you’re going to spend the whole day luxuriating in the newspaper, your spa appointment and glasses of champagne, it’s probably not going to happen unless you move to another city. Once your kids lay eyes on you, they want you to do everything for them making Mother’s Day a fabulous day for Dad to relax.
4) A DAY WITHOUT A SCHEDULE. While it’s so sweet of the husband to make that back to back workout/spa appointment for you, followed by brunch with the family, followed by a beach trip with the kids, followed by a BBQ at the house, what you really want to do is nothing.
5) A DAY WHEN YOU GET TO DO WHATEVER YOU WANT. You’re somebody’s mom, but you’re probably also somebody’s daughter. Worse yet, you’re somebody’s daughter-in-law. So if you’re spending Mother’s Day with any of your mothers, you may get to do what they want, but not what you do.
6) HIGH SCHOOL JEANS. The best gift anyone could give a mom for Mother’s Day is the ability to fit into her high school jeans. But since Mother’s Day isn’t “Magic Day” that’s probably not going to happen. Not for me, at least.
7) NO QUESTIONS. Even if the husband does take the kids for the morning so you can theoretically sleep in before the spa day he’s planned for you, you’re going to need to keep your phone close by to field the endless texts and emails you’ll receive. They’ll all start with, “I don’t mean to bother you, but…” Then you’ll receive countless texts requesting feeding schedules, missing car keys, and questions to what the children’s names are. You may even receive a text asking where the children are to which you’ll respond, “Uh, hopefully with you.”
8) THE TOPS OF YOUR TITS. Actually, this is a year round thing. They’re never coming back, not without surgery. Mother’s Day is no exception.
9) RYAN GOSLING.
10) WINNING LOTTO TICKET.
11) A KARDASHIAN FREE WORLD. I was thinking that if every Mom asked for this, those girls and their long hair would just go away. But that doesn’t seem to be happening. In fact, there seems to be more and more of them crawling out of the woodwork trying to rot our brains and take over the world, one terrible tight skirt at a time.
12) NO WORRIES. If you have kids, you have worries. If you figure out a way to take Mother’s Day off from worrying about your offspring, please let me know how!
13) A DAY OFF FROM NOTICING STUFF. I wish I could walk by that glob of food my kid left on the floor and ignore it for a Mother’s Day, but I can’t. Those kids are cute, but their messes aren’t!
14) TO HOLD THE REMOTE. When Justin tells me, “Here, you hold it,” he’s usually talking about his penis. The remote, he’s not parting with even on Mother’s Day.
15) A TAN. Mother’s Day comes just at the time of year when it becomes summer overnight. Your pale body is still thinking winter, but the weather is acting like summer. Go ahead and wear that summer dress on Mother’s Day. No one expects Mom to be tan.
16) A RELAXING DAY AT THE SPA. I love a good facial as much as the next girl, but all that whispering and sitting in quiet rooms makes my head explode. Where’s the spa where I can talk in a normal voice, not sit naked in a hot tub with a woman I’ve never met, and not drink water that has a fucking salad in it? Because that’s the spa I want to go to.
17) A DONE TO-DO LIST. You may not look at your list on Mother’s Day, but that doesn’t mean it’s done.
18) A GIFT YOU DIDN’T HAVE TO PICK OUT OR HEAVILY HINT ABOUT. Nothing screams “we appreciate you Mom” less than putting on a new pair of shoes and the husband seeing them and saying, “There, that’s your Mother’s Day gift.” Wait, one thing does scream of less appreciation, getting a shitty gift that you didn’t carefully curate yourself.
19) A GIFT THAT ISN’T PRACTICAL. Gifts aren’t meant to be practical. But if your vacuum just broke or the washer’s on the fritz, chances are that’s going to be your gift. How bout someone to use the vacuum or washer that isn’t Mom? Now, that’s a gift.
20) DIAMONDS. You said jewelry, but you meant diamonds. You said jewelry and the husband heard, “No fucking way.”
There may be 20 things you want that you don’t get for Mother’s Day, but the truth is you got a couple things that matter more. So while a fab husband and kids might not be those diamond hoops you’ve coveted, they last longer and they have more value. Remind me of that when I’m not opening my gift.
Happy Mother’s Day, ladies. You deserve what ever you get and whatever you don’t get!
*Before you go, don’t forget to hit LIKE and SHARE. Then other people can see what they’re not going to get on Mother’s Day.