Is Father’s Day necessary? Once you have kids, you realize every day is Father’s Day. Like the other day Justin said to me, “Thanks so much for letting me sleep in. You know how much I need my sleep.” I appreciated his appreciation except he also slept in the day before and the day before that and, yes…the day before that.
When I mention that he needs more sleep than a 3-nap-a-day-infant he shrugs and says, “You don’t need as much sleep as I do.” This is simply not true. I need as much sleep. I just don’t get as much sleep.
So it starts to feel like every day is Father’s Day.
Don’t get me wrong. Justin’s a fabulous Dad (when he’s awake) and my kids are lucky to have him. They could have some Dad who’s awake more, but is also an asshole more. So I’m totally in favor of celebrating him once a year. The problem is, guys seem to have a long list of things they want for Father’s Day. So to nip that in the bud, here’s all the things I’m not going to give my husband for Father’s Day.
Feel free to add your own and forward to your sleepy spouse.
1) BLOWJOB. It’s Father’s Day, not your birthday. Sorry, you’re not getting a blowie.
2) AT-HOME MASSAGE FROM THE HOT MASSEUSE/MODEL/MED STUDENT WHO GAVE YOU HER CARD AT STARBUCK’S. Hon, I’m not getting you this. I don’t want the kids to get confused as to the definition of pretty since I’ve been telling them I am.
If you want a massage, there’s a chubby Slovakian man who will gladly come over and pound the crap out of your back while a cigarette dangles from his mouth. That’s better, no?
3) A DAY WITH THE KIDS AT YOUR FAVORITE CIGAR LOUNGE. I’m guessing the kids will be bored. Plus there’s the cancer and second-hand smoke issue. But otherwise, super idea!
4) MORE TECHNOLOGY. We already feel like you’re cheating on your iPhone with us. What the hell would happen if you got an iPad, a mini iPad (or is it an iPad Junior?), a Zune, Kindle, or Blackberry-if they still exist? I’ll tell you what would happen. We’d have to FaceTime you on that damned new iPad just to spend any time with you.
5) TIME AWAY FROM US. You have 364 days a year to not spend time with your family. On Father’s Day you get to be with us for 24-hours straight. It is your day after all!
6) BREAKFAST IN BED. Since we don’t live at the Four Seasons and I am the resident “clean the crumbs out of the bed” person, we’re going to skip this in favor of the more practical gift called: We’re going to eat at the table.
7) MAN-JEWELRY. Unless we’re getting a divorce and you’re getting one of those single’s pads in Marina Del Rey (or fill in your city’s divorced people neighborhood), I’m not getting you some braided leather bracelet or a necklace that depicts the Hindu symbol for a boner.
8) NAKED PHOTOS OF ME. I don’t want to give you nightmares. Plus, I’d have to find a photographer who is willing to shoot naked photos of me without laughing.
9) A NAP. Since you will undoubtedly sleep until noon, you’re not getting a nap afterward. It’s just too much sleeping and the kids will ask questions. Left with no plausible explanation for all the sleeping I’ll be forced to come up with an excuse like, “Daddy’s still drunk and needed to sleep it off.” You don’t want that.
10) A TENNIS LESSON. The last time I got the hubs a tennis lesson with a real-live pro, he nearly ended up in the hospital. Your tennis days are over pal. Enjoy your iTunes gift cards and the hand painted kids’ handprints that the kids put all over the wall instead of those cute canvas’ I bought and call it a day.
So guys while you won’t be getting a massage from a hot Swede nor will you be taking a nap, you will get to spend endless hours with your children. We’ll make handmade cards for you that look like they’re crafted by serial killers and we’ll tell you who much we love you. We’ll all have a great day and when it’s over you’ll be thrilled. And so will we.
Happy Father’s Day. Sorry you’re not getting anything good.
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