The other day while at the gym, a lovely gal came up to me and said, “You know, if you want to get a guy, and there are a few straight ones at this gym, just put on some super sexy underwear because the whole gym can see right through your pants.”
At the time, I thought the gal in question was hitting on me since she is a sometimes-lesbian and sometimes-lesbians seem to like me. Maybe they figure sometimes I’ll be interested, which I’m not. So I just held up my wedding ring and said, “I’m pretty sure I’m going to be okay.” I then went on about my workout which consisted of lunges, squats, and hamstring curls. I finished with some inner-thigh stretches and a few down-dogs. You’ll note that each and every exercise and stretch I’ve listed involves me bending over or spreading my eagle in some fashion.
I mention this only because the very next day, you came out with your super informative press release announcing that, oops, your pants are inadvertently see-through, which is P.R.-speak for “totally transparent.”
I’m sure you see where this is going.
You see Lulu, that gal at my gym wasn’t hitting on me, she was warning me. She was trying to tell me that my Lulus were so sheer that my entire gym could see my lulu. Normally I wouldn’t really care if the patrons of my gym, a gym full of gay men minus my husband, could see through my Lulus and get a quick view of my undies. But quite frankly Lulu, the day in question happened to be laundry day at my house and so, in a rare underwear boycott, I went to the gym commando. That is to say Lulu, what the gents of my gym were seeing through my workout gear was the equivalent of a gynecological exam–they saw my full monty.
Your press release says that while you haven’t changed your “recipe” for expensive lycra and you haven’t changed manufacturers, there has been a change in your manufactured lycra and it’s become a bit transparent. Of course we all know that transparent workout gear is the equivalent of hanging a sheer window treatment in your house and hoping to blackout the sun. It’s not going to happen. So, sadly my vagenius fell prey to your totally see-through window sheers and the entire gym saw the sun.
I totally get that manufacturing accidents can happen, but I’ve had my Lulus for a while. So have you always been making Saran Wrap for workout gear and you just noticed now? And I appreciate that you’ve offered a tidy exchange program for us poor souls who’ve got sheer lulus hanging on our windows, but I need more. I need you to go to my gym, underwear-less, in totally see through pants, and do a few squats and a down-dog or two. See how that makes you feel. Then go ahead and buy me another gym membership at another gym. Hopefully one without sweet little assholes hitting on nearly naked patrons.
Until then, I’ll be the girl working out with a sweatshirt around her waist. And underwear.