Like thank you so much to the Commonwealth Club of San Francisco for inviting me to speak on behalf of all womens on the crisis of objectification of women in the media. I’m super psyched! The objectification of women in TV, film and online is a total bad thing since not enough people are doing it! They totally should. It’s super lucrative and money makinging.
I want every person who is a woman to know that if you work hard enough and are totally determined, you can also be reality star and icon like me. My life is awesome! I get to live in Kalabasas. I get to have cameras filming me all the time so there’s always someone around to tell me if I have lipstick on my teeth. And I get to spend time with my family and enjoy being the prettiest one. Everyone should perspire to be as famous as me is, even though most of you will probably never be as famous as me because you don’t take enough selfies.
As you can imagine, it’s like a super big responsibility to be looked up to by so many peeple’s who are women. I know I have the opportunity to shape how they see themselves. And I have the power to encourage every young girl and let her know that she, too, can go from Kalabasas to hanging with Jay-Z.
So I’ve been working on my thought and remarks for a long time, like 45 or 50 minutes. Writing speeches isn’t easy! That’s why I started to write my speech entirely in emoji. But then I got confused and couldn’t remember if the smiley face emoji was supposed to be someone who is happy or if it was supposed to be someone who just got her marriage to a random basketball player annulled. Since emojis can be so confusing, I decided to make my speech entirely out of words. Isn’t that like a great idea? Words are awesome. Words rule.
Here’s some of things I’m going to say in my speech about the objectification of women.
It’s not objectifying if you’re pretty. Objectification is a term people who don’t have a big social media presence use when no one likes thier photos.
Boob selfies are super empowering. They’re only degrading when someone else takes the photos since you won’t profit from them.
There’s no need to go to college if you already have a lot of Instagram followers. College is filled with girls who have flat bottoms, hair that won’t grow and boy-hips. It’s okay if you’re one of them, just lie about it at parties. (Also, worrying gives you horrid wrinkles which is fine if you’re already not good looking. But if you’re hot, wrinkles can totally ruin that and then you might not get to marry a professional athlete or famous person.)
Fame is like a totally legit goal. And once you’re famous nothing is objectifying because it’s all lucrative.
Be supportive of other womens. Surround yourself with people more famous than you and come up with clever names for your group like tribe, minyan, or clique. Just don’t call yourselves a group or strangers might not feel left out and worried that they can’t get in.
Don’t break your neck trying to climb the corporate ladder. It’s a lot easier and quicker to take off your pants and break the Internet.
Sullen men make the best husbands. Make sure to marry a strong, successful and sullen man who can tell you what to wear. Even if his fashion choices make you look like an uncomfortable clown, it’s crucial that you dress like your man’s vision of a Valley Geisha so he can feel like he controls you and that you’re his puppet. You know you’re not, but it’s important that he and the world think otherwise.
Always wear heals when pregnant. Heals make everything look thinner, even your fetus.
Try to invent something. Doing good is for other people who don’t look as good in a bathing suit. So try to spend your time inventing something that will make you rich. It doesn’t have to be useful or good for the world either. It’s okay to invent something like an app that let’s people see what their head would look like on your body. It may be silly, but you’re bringing joy to the world and money to your selfie.
So sisters, don’t think you have to sell out to be something. But if you do, just make sure the cameras are rolling. Otherwise, what’s the point? See, you’re in charge.
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