Dear President (Bill) Clinton:
Since Hillary stands a very good chance of soon becoming the United States’ first female president, you stand a very good chance of soon becoming our first male first lady.
As I watched you proudly look on as Hillary trounced Trump in this past week’s debate, I wondered what would happen if Hillary became the Commander In Chief. To be specific, I wondered, without a first lady to look after her, would President Hillary still have to change the empty toilet paper roll that you will undoubtedly leave behind? Because every wife knows that even if she’s helping defeat Isis, her husband won’t replace the roll.
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In fact, the toilet paper roll isn’t the only domestic issue I’m concerned President Hillary will still have to contend with while living in the White House. Sure the White House has a whole host of staff members on hand to take care of the President’s every need, but I’m talking marriage metaphors here. I’m concerned that the Presidency sees no gender, but being the first spouse does.
So Bill since you being the first First Husband of The United States is uncharted territory, I thought I’d offer some suggestions on how you can be the best First Husband. Because once Hillary wins the Presidency, she’s not going to have time for Ladies Night Out where she and Madeline Albright bitch about their husbands, while Michelle Obama and Nancy Pelosi down chardonnay and shout, “Preach!”
Change The Toilet Paper Roll, Bill. I know it’s hard to believe, but homes are usually well stocked with spare rolls of toilet paper. That empty roll you left sitting there beckoning your wife to change it was not the last roll in the house. You ran the country. You can certainly run to the cabinet to get a new roll.
No, You Make Dinner. If the White House chef is off for the night, or busy making dinner for a visiting dignitary, don’t text HRH and say, “What’s for dinner?” Lean in, Bill, make your own dinner.
Make Polite Conversation At All Those Boring Work Dinners. You know all those years where HRH made polite conversation at all your work dinners? Well, that’s your job now. So brush up on your small talk skills. You’re going to need it.
Pick Up Your Own Stuff Off The Floor. Hillary’s not going to have time to pick up your boxer shorts, Bill. She’s got to fix health care now.
Remember Chelsea’s Birthday On Your Own. You know all those polite reminders HRH has been giving you all these years from your own mother’s birthday (and let’s face it Hillary probably bought the card you signed) to your own anniversary? Well, Hillary’s got bigger fish to fry now. You’re going to have to remember stuff on your own.
Let Her Hold The Remote, Bill. If women can hold the nuclear codes, we can also hold the remote.
Give Her Time To Decompress: When Hillary comes home from a long day making America not a locker room again and she says, “I just need a few minutes to myself,” that does not mean sit down next to her and talk about yourself and your “riveting” day. It does mean leave her alone and let her watch some Bravo TV. The girl has earned it!
So basically, Bill, with your wife being the leader of the free world and all you’re going to have to be your own wife. You’re going to have to remember things on your own. You’ll have to pick up after yourself. And you may even have to make your own food.
Yes, even with your busy schedule as First Husband and the time you spend running your foundation, you can do it Bill! You can take care of yourself, of your family, and have a career. Just ask Hillary. She’s been doing it for years.
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