Elle Magazine This Is How I Start My Day Since You Didn’t Ask

Dear Elle Magazine,

Don’t worry. I’m not offended. You’ve been asking women, whom you refer to as “influential in a variety of industries,” to share a typical day of “eats and fitness.” Your goal is to show how they balance their hectic lives influencing people with the demands of their eats and fitness regimes. And yet, you didn’t ask me.

No problem, Elle. I’m less offended that you didn’t ask me than that you are trying to make the word eats into a thing. Are we not allowed to use the word food anymore, Elle? Are we doing verbs as nouns now? I just want to know. I hate to be seen out in public using last year’s grammar, which had verbs as verbs and eats wasn’t a noun. But if that’s what we influencers are doing now, I’ll eats my words and start using my verbs as nouns.

I really enjoyed your latest influencer Amanda Chantal Bacon, who owns the Los Angeles juice spot Moon Juice.   I live in Los Angeles and have never heard of Moon Juice, which doesn’t mean a thing. Amanda is a F.O.G., friend of Gwyneth. and has been featured on Gwyneth’s helpful to all women lifestyle website GOOP, which makes Amanda an automatic influencer.

Like Amanda, I’m an influencer too though my influence is limited since my children rarely listen to me. But when they do, boy is that something!

So since we’re both influencers, I thought I’d share my day of eats and fitness alongside Ms. Bacon’s. ( It should be noted that I feel like a woman whose last name is bacon who eats pixie dust and mushroom protein for food, should be considered a serious case of false advertising.)

Waking Up.

Amanda wakes up each day. So do I. We’re exactly the same in that respect. Otherwise, there are a few slight differences in mine and Amanda’s morning routines.

Amanda says, “I usually wake up at 6:30 am, and start with some Kundalini meditation and a 23-minute breath set—along with a copper cup of silver needle and calendula tea—before my son Rohan wakes.”

My morning starts a little differently. First, I never use the word “wake.” That word implies a calm and joyful re-entry into the world. The last calm and joyful re-entry I had into the world was birth. My own birth, that is.

I usually set my alarm for 5 am. So technically I am awoken at 5 am. I either exercise then or work. Sometimes it’s my only time to do either.  Don’t for a second think I’m some kind of an early morning hero. It’s just that I’m totally vain, plus my ancestors are from the old country and so is my metabolism.

Other mornings I wake to the piercing stare and hot breath of my five-year-old standing over me like a tiny little serial killer watching me sleep.

I scream, “What the fuck?”

She starts to cry and shouts, “Mommy, are you done sleeping yet? You’ve been sleeping so long.”

Then her older brother comes bounding in and catapults himself onto my body and into my face. Sometimes this action draws blood. This is commonly known as a head butt.

While Ms. Bacon meditates and has silver tea in a copper cup, I race to get my children clothed, fed and out the door within 40 minutes. This involves a lot of shouting, which technically burns calories so I’m counting it as part of me fitnesses regime.

I feed my children a healthy breakfast of hurry up and eat that now, while I scurry around the room making their lunches and snacks. All in all, I make six meals or snacks in the course of about 20 minutes. None of them are for me.

Sometimes as I’m buzzing about the kitchen making everyone else food I have time to grab a Cliff Bar, thinking I’ll eat it in the car. My efforts to eat however will be thwarted by my little five-year-old who will now use her piercing stare to guilt me into giving her my only hope for sustenance in the morning.

Breakfast.

Ms. Bacon continues, “At 8am, I had a warm, morning chi drink on my way to the school drop off, drunk in the car! It contains more than 25 grams of plant protein, thanks to vanilla mushroom protein and stone ground almond butter, and also has the super endocrine, brain, immunity, and libido- boosting powers of Brain Dust, cordyceps, reishi, maca, and Shilajit resin. I throw ho shou wu and pearl in as part of my beauty regime. I chase it with three quinton shots for mineralization and two lipospheric vitamin B-complex packets for energy.”

Unlike Ms. Bacon, I don’t have shots of Quentin Tarantino or Pixie Dust for breakfast. My libido is good, so I’m confident I’ll be okay if I skip the maca and Shilajit resin. Do note that if you say Shilajit fast ten times, it sounds like shit. Chances are, it tastes that way too.

At 8 am, I’m in the middle of my two kids go to two schools across town from each other driving circuit. So the only things I have at that time are anxiety and a full bladder.   But sometimes I do Kegels in traffic, so I’m technically exercising and driving at the same time. That totally counts as a part of my fitnesses regime.

Mid-Morning Snack.

At 9:30 am, Bacon has, “6 ounces of unsweetened, strong green juice, which is my alkalizer, hydrator, energizer, source of protein and calcium, and overall mood balancer. “

At 9:30 am I try to have 6 ounces of sweetened what the fuck is an alkalizer? But sometimes I forget.

Lunch.

For lunch Bacon says, “For lunch, I had zucchini ribbons with basil, pine nuts, sun-cured olives, and lemon, with green tea on the side. This is such an easy, elegant, and light meal. I made this while on a phone meeting before heading out for the rest of the work day. I often alternate this with my other lunch staple: a nori roll with umeboshi paste, avocado, cultured sea vegetables, and pea sprouts. This is my version of a taco, and it’s insanely delicious.”

Ms. Bacon and I might have different definitions of the worlds insanely and delicious, especially when those words are put together.

Also, it’s worth noting that there are no French fries on her lunchtime menu. French fries dear friend, are insanely delicious.

Snack.

Ms. Bacon and I share a love of snacks. She says, “If I’m home around 3pm, I always reach for coconut yogurt with cardamom, dried figs, walnuts, and apricots from a weekend farm visit—and a chunk of raw dark chocolate. I ferment big batches of coconut yogurt and make big batches of raw chocolate spiked with maca and any other medicinal herb I’m focusing on. It’s easy to do, and makes for potent, fast snack food throughout the month.”

My snack time starts around 1:00pm and ends when I eat dinner. Elle Magazine if you asked I would have said, “If I’m home around 1:00 I always reach for a bag of chips, preferably a full one-and a chunk of milk chocolate I’ve stolen from my kid’s stale Halloween rejects. It’s easy to do, and makes for a potent, fast snack throughout the entire 4 hours I eat it.”

If Bacon is on the go in the afternoon, she’ll stop by her own shop and have some juice brought out to her curbside. This is a good idea. I’m going to do it at Carl’s Jr.

Dinner.

The day Bacon was interviewed she was out at dinner time so she “had a seaweed salad with micro cilantro and daikon, and a delicate broth of mushrooms and herbs.”

I wasn’t sure what a delicate broth meant though I’ve taken that to mean a soup that doesn’t hit hard. Elle, are we not using the word soup anymore to describe meals that are made of liquid? Or does the term delicate broth get used only when the liquid meal doesn’t include melted cheese and a loaf of bread for dipping? If so, I’d prefer a non-delicate broth with a side of sourdough.

My dinner is not quite as delicate as Ms. Bacon’s.

After finishing my children’s food (I’m not a pig, it’s just easier to eat their food than find a matching Tupperware and lid) and after snacking on some of their kid-friendly snacks that only their metabolisms are young enough to absorb, I make a relatively healthy dinner like salmon and vegetables. I’ll go back for seconds even though I’m no longer hungry. Again no time for Tupperware.

After Dinner.

After dinner, Ms. Bacon went to yoga. She said, “From 7 to 9pm, I went to my Kundalini yoga class at Rama Yoga in Venice, with my go-to teacher, Harijiwan.”

I watch 4 back-to-back episodes of “The Real Housewives” and then read Andy Cohen’s Twitter feed for another thirty minutes before ugly snoring while I fall asleep.

Nightcap

Just before bed, I like to have a nightcap of microwave popcorn and some whatever I can shove in my face.

Ms. Bacon, too, enjoys a nightcap.

She said, “At 11pm, I had a nightcap of heart tonic and raw chocolate made from one of my big batches—this one was made with our Moon Pantry heirloom raw cacao, reishi and Chaga mushroom, sprouted brown rice protein, and coconut oil. I love chocolate—and on some evenings, I don’t want to deny the indulgence—so I’ve devised a million low glycemic recipes.”

After a long, active day of eatings and fitnessing,  both Bacon and I go to sleep. She undoubtedly wears a nightgown made from cage free hemp while I wear whatever sweats or T-shirt are nearby that don’t smell like Istanbul. Then I head to sleep, ready to take on the world the very next day.

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2 thoughts on “Elle Magazine This Is How I Start My Day Since You Didn’t Ask

  1. Bahahaha oh I laughed my a** off reading this! You are too much. This chick sounds like a Grade-A pretentious a**hole. I don’t even know what the hell she was eating on that macro menu of hers but it sounds like very expensive dirt. Gwyneth can have her – can YOU be my best friend???

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