Don’t Worry Kanye I’m Here To Help

Dear Kanye-

It’s been a while since my last letter.   I’m sorry for that. It seems in my absence you’ve been getting some bad advice on you from you and now you’re getting a PhD in unlikeable. My bad.

Kanye you happen to have this special gift. I mean it, you really do. You’re an incredibly talented rapper and arguably an even more talented music producer. And so because of your talent, you’ve often been forgiven for what some might call troubling behavior.

In fact, you’ve been forgiven for your questionable behavior more often than not. Like the Taylor Swift thing, which makes you seem like a musical schoolyard bully. I’m not in Tay’s squad, but I can tell you that it’s disturbing to see a grown man targeting and harassing a young woman for no particular reason other than the fact that he can. What’s next Kanye, are you going to egg Taylor’s car and tee-pee her house?

Then there was your recent Twitter rant where you lashed out at your ex-girlfriend’s 2-year-old-child. Kanye just because you often act like a toddler doesn’t make you a toddler. Therefore picking on a small child in public doesn’t count as a fair fight. You sort of apologized, which made you seem sort of likeable, and so you were sort of forgiven.

I’m not sure why anyone is so surprised by those antics. You’re the same gentleman who said, “My greatest pain in life is that I will never be able to see myself perform live.”

Two things Kanye strike me as important here, friend. 1: Have you heard of You Tube? Check it out. It’s a fabulous way for you to see you perform live. Boom, no more pain!

And 2: That’s your greatest pain? What about when your mom died? What about when Kim married Kris Humphries? What about the Tidal launch? That’s pain, friend. And while I’m sure you, your sweatshirt, and your camping light make for an amazing live show, you’re not Mick Jagger, Bono, or David Bowie. The world, and you, can live with the pain of not seeing you perform live.

Trust me. I’ve never seen you perform live and I live life totally pain free!

I bring this up Kanye because recently a friend of yours was quoted as saying you’re not nuts, you’re creative. This friend, feels like an insult to all creative people who don’t stream of conscious pick on people on Twitter and have meltdowns before public appearances. Your buddy equated you to Vincent Van Gogh who, for anyone not brushed up on their art, cut off his friggin’ ear. Kanye, this is no way to live. You don’t have to cut off your ear. You just have to cut off your Twitter account.

See buddy, it’s easy to just brush you off as some indulged nutty celebrity who equates himself to god, who thinks he’s more special than normal human beings, who has no impulse control, who says and does whatever he wants.

Oh wait.

Honestly, Kanye people are starting to talk and that talk isn’t good. The rumor is you’ve gone off the deep end. If so, you need help and that is no laughing matter. Really.

This probably comes as a surprise to you, being that you are an overindulged celebrity who equates himself to god. So I thought I’d enlighten you as to a few reasons you seem like you’ve lost that lovin’ Kanye.

Taylor Swift. Kanye, I don’t like her music any more than you do, but you don’t see me trying to steal her Grammy or her thunder? If I don’t like someone’s music you know what I do, I don’t listen to it! That’s all.

Like I can’t stand that Selena Gomez song “Same Old Love”, which sounds like it’s on repeat. I’m not calling Selena names just because her song only has one lyric and she sings it 42 times. And I’m not rapping neener-neener-neener songs to Selena just because I think she’s just one note above terrible. I’m just not buying her music.

Maybe you could say, not buy Taylor’s music, and pick on someone your own size. It’s starting to get creepy.

Now let’s talk about Kim.

Kanye, you and I both know you lost some credibility marrying Kim. You did. It’s tough to be a hardcore rapper, singing about life on the street, when the streets are in Calabasas.

It would actually be charming if you were a hopeless romantic willing to give up your success for the lady you love. But when you seem to treat your lady like a doll whose only purpose is to be dressed up in ill-fitting Balmain outfts, it doesn’t seem quite so lovely.

Adding insult to injury your recent behavior has done something intolerable, it’s made Kim Kardashian seem likeable. We even feel sorry for her.

Kanye, don’t do that ever again! You were the talent in the family and now a woman who probably considered naming her child “Selfie” seems likeable because you seem like such a dick. Cut it out so we can go back to not understanding why she’s famous while secretly stalking her Instagram.

The clothing line, Kanye.  We have to address the clothing line.

I have some questions.

Why do you think women want to purchase vomit colored onesies?

Is this just your attempt to make Spanx into outwear like Madonna made bras into clothing back in the 80’s?

Why is everything you design the color of defecated mustard?

Nobody looks good in an entire outfit made of the color of curry, which leads me to believe you don’t want anyone to actually purchase your Yeezy brand of clothing.

So is the clothing line your “Producers”-like attempt to create a tax write off?

If so, might I suggest next time you adopt one of those Sally Struthers kids they show on late night TV. Or better yet, help a real kid who doesn’t have his own infomercial. Real people with real needs, like the ones who don’t have food or water, make fantastic tax breaks. Just ask the millions of us normal earning people in the world who choose to donate our cash to charities rather than make saffron colored long johns and call them clothing.

Honestly, the clothing line alone feels like a cry for help. That, coupled with the angry-Twets and the Taylor hate, is making those of us on the outside worry about you.

It’s nothing to be ashamed of. We’re all just one terrible clothing line away from shoving our head in the oven. The difference, most of us meltdown privately and watch too much Bravo TV or mainline Doritos until we can’t zip our jeans. But you friend, you are going down in flames and you’re taking everyone down with you.

So should you decide to continue along this path, possibly there should be one guiding principle you live by. Before you Tweet, rap, or rant, just ask “WWJZD?”
That stands for What Would Jay-Z Do?

What would Jay-Z do? He’d get off Twitter, he’d stop picking on young women and he’d never ever pick on a kid. He’d keep his business private, until his sister-in-law pummels him in an elevator and we all get to see.

So until Khloe, Kendall, Kourtney, or Kylie (or poor Rob), smack you down in an elevator while the cameras are rolling, try letting your music speak for itself. Because, right now you’re speaking for yourself and none of us really likes what we’re hearing.

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