My Application Letter For Gwyneth Paltrow’s Private Club

Dear Gwyneth: I just heard the news! You’re expecting. You’re having a private club! Congratulations. You’re going to be opening a private club on Sunset Blvd. where the Hustler Store used to be. If all goes well, members will be able to steam their vagina while keeping up to date on the latest in dildos… Read More

My Letter To Gwyneth Paltrow Regarding Her Suggestion I Poop Soup

Dear Gwyneth: Boy, that V-steam was fun. Okay, confession alert. I didn’t actually steam my vagina. I went to make an appointment, but then my vagina started to whimper and ask why it was being punished. It promised to be good and not use bathroom words anymore, so I figured that was enough of a… Read More

My Letter To Gwyneth Paltrow Regarding Her Suggestion To Steam My Vagina

Dear Gwyneth, As you know, I absolutely loved your GOOP Holiday Gift Guide. It was so accessible and relevant proving that you’re just one of the girls, if the girls had never had a job or a budget. I love that GOOP is like a very expensive public service message offering an unattainable lifestyle with… Read More

My Letter To The People Who Accidentally Sent Me Their Kid’s Christmas Gift

Dear Kelly and Rick’s Mom and Dad: Thank you so much for the gift box of dairy you sent to my house this holiday season. You actually intended for it to go to “Kelly and Rick”, whom I assume are your children. Being that the box came from the Penn State Dairy Science Club (it… Read More

My Letter To Gwyneth Paltrow Regarding Her GOOP Holiday Gift Guide

Dear Gwyneth: Thank you so very much for the GOOP Holiday Gift Guide which was just released on your lifestyle website GOOP. You and your staff have clearly spent a lot of time carefully curating a list of the world’s most expensive gifts, like a $4000 juicer or the Harry Winston diamond cluster ring whose… Read More