31 Signs You’re A Little Too White

The other day I was wasting time on Facebook when I came across a friend’s post lamenting the service she got at her local BMW dealership. At the end of the rant, which ended with her getting a free oil change, she mentioned that her faith in humanity had been restored.

I know people take their cars seriously but losing faith in humanity due to a flawed car dealership experience seemed extreme to me, but I reserved judgment and read on.

Until the hashtags, which were:

#grateful

and

#blessings.

I couldn’t help but think, “This is the whitest post I’ve ever read. Somebody should tell her. Maybe there’s medication, or at least some therapy.”

This coming from me, who openly and unabashedly likes the Dave Matthew’s Band.  I know, I’m working on it.

See being too white has nothing to do with skin color. It’s a state of mind. It’s taking things a little too seriously, lacking perspective and sweating the small staff without knowing it’s small.

Truth be told I didn’t have the heart to comment on my friend’s post with an emoji of a tourist wearing black socks, but if I were a true friend I would have told her truth.  She’s gotten a little too white.

But she’s definitely not the only one out there who’s suffering from extreme whiteness. Do you? There’s only one way to find out.

*Full disclaimer, I got like 29 of these myself.

  1. You called your shrink’s emergency only number when your Nespresso machine broke.
  2.  You love Pearl Jam, still.
  3. You dress like your daughter.
  4. You got a Tidal subscription just to download Kanye.
  5. You’ve ever used the term “amazeballs”.
  6. You were 3 days pregnant when you put your fetus on the waiting list for pre-school.
  7. You use the word summer as a verb.
  8. You have at least one Kardashian on your mood board.
  9. You have a mood board.
  10. When asked what you’ve read recently you reply, “The J. Crew catalog.”
  11. You’re not sure which of the characters on GIRLS you relate to most because they all represent you so well.
  12. You refer to your nanny as “like family” right before defining your relationship with her as co-dependent.
  13. You ask your spin teachers for playlists.
  14. You quote your yoga teacher.
  15. You got an SUV. Not for your kids, for your dog.
  16. When naming your children, you include your pet.
  17. When describing an exotic location, you think Orlando.
  18. You refer to Sarah Jessica Parker as your spirit animal.
  19. You’ve mentally objectified Idris Elba at least once.
  20. When the wireless goes out you need to take a Xanax.
  21. You get your news from Facebook or People.com.
  22. You text with your mom everyday, completely in emoji.
  23. You think roughing it is life before Pinterest.
  24. You call Orange County home.
  25. After visiting San Francisco you said, “It’s like New York, but smaller and cleaner.”
  26. You’ve worn a Britney Spears costume at least once on Halloween. (Snake and all.)
  27. You have Net-A-Porter bookmarked on your computer.
  28. You sit at a table, not the bar, when you go to sushi.
  29. At least one of your children is named after a character in a novel you read between the ages of 16 and 24.
  30. You’re gluten free, by choice, not by necessity. And only on weekends, or weekdays, or when you’re around someone else who is.
  31. At least once you’ve posted a photo of your child sleeping.
  32. You wrote this post.

HOW TO SCORE
You said yes to:

Less than 5: You’re officially interesting. Congratulations!

Less than 15: Sometimes your friends roll their eyes at you behind your back, but only sometimes. But be careful, you’re one hashtag or spin class away from being fully annoying.

Less than 25: Your friends always screenshot your Facebook posts and texts and forward them to each other with the hashtag “WTF”. It’s okay. Most of the people you spend time with are just like you so nobody notices.

Between 25 and 31: The good news is you’re finally first in your category. The bad news you might take yourself a bit too seriously. Get help! Go read a real newspaper or volunteer somewhere other than your kid’s school. Don’t worry you can still keep your BMW. Just don’t tell everyone on Facebook about it when you get bad service. It makes you seem #ungrateful and #white.

#Blessings.

 

 

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